O Sole Frio: Pavarotti Statue Partially Encased In Ice

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

If you enjoy classical music, you undoubtedly know who Luciano Pavarotti is. The Italian opera singer was one of the Three Tenors, not to be confused with the much less popular opera collective the Ten Three-ers. Although he hasn’t been with us since 2007, his music and his legacy will live on forever.

In fact, there’s a physical manifestation of the iconic vocalist in the Italian town of Pesaro. A life-size bronze statue of him was erected in the center of the town’s piazza just last April. However, less than a year and a half later, that statue is on thin ice – actually, it’s encased in ice up to the singer’s knees, and the town has been forced to apologize.  

The reason Pavarotti is on ice is that, for some reason, the town decided to get into the holiday spirit by setting up a holiday ice rink for its denizens to skate in. When the town’s mayor, Andrea Biancani, was presented with the plans for the wintry distraction, he was apparently told that the statue of the singer, who vacationed in Pesaro with his family and was granted honorary citizenship there, would not be touched. However, the designers were forced to alter the construction, and the rink was built around Pav, finally opening on November 29th, with the statue of the portly legend encased up to his knees in ice.

The end result is pretty much the worst of both worlds. If you’re skating, you’re probably annoyed that there’s a statue of a dead guy in your rink, while if you’re paying tribute to one of the greatest vocalists who ever lived, you’re probably annoyed that you might get crosschecked by a caroling skater. Among those in the latter camp is Nicoletta Mantovani, Pavarotti’s widow. “I didn’t expect a town would allow this treatment of the memory and the image of a person who made Italy great around the world,” she told news outlet Il Resto del Carlino. She said it was a poorly executed, absurd decision. The mayor agreed, stating that while it’s impossible at this stage to dismantle the rink or move the statue, it won’t happen again.

“Luciano, more like Who-ciano,” one bratty Italian kid said. “Never heard of the guy. I’ll bet he never hunted a KPop demon in his life, and now I can’t even skate in a circle because I’ve gotta go around his bronze a**.” His parents, both of whom were unknowingly conceived to Pavarotti’s music, quickly grounded him. 

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.