Pope Warns Against Greed, Pauses To Adjust Cushions on His Throne Made of Solid Gold

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

In the months following his election, Pope Leo XIV took a bold stand: he condemned greed, warned that the gap between rich and poor was widening, and reminded the faithful that even Elon Musk can’t ride a Cybertruck through the gates of heaven, no matter how many cupholders he installs. Or convince the Lord that renaming Twitter “X” was a good idea.

Of course, hearing the Pope lecture about wealth is like watching a man standing in the world’s fanciest jewelry box complain about how someone else is also a billionaire. The Vatican owns priceless art, property in 241 countries, and enough gold chalices to open its own line of medieval Hooters restaurants. 

The Pope’s stance echoes his predecessor, Pope Francis, who famously denounced “the idolatry of money.” Francis also lived simply by Vatican standards, using only 47 rooms in his papal apartment. He also drove a 2008 Ford Focus instead of the solid-gold unicorn carriage.

Still, Leo XIV’s warning hit a nerve. Just weeks later, Tesla’s board floated Musk a potential trillion-dollar pay package. For reference, that’s more than the GDP of Australia, at least one functioning Death Star, and what Jesus could have raised if he’d invested those loaves and fishes in Apple stock

Meanwhile, income inequality keeps growing. The top 0.01 percent of Americans are accelerating far beyond the rest, while the bottom 20 percent are still trying to figure out how to afford eggs without taking out a second mortgage. 

The Pope didn’t mince words: “CEOs used to make maybe six times what their workers did. Now it’s 600 times.” He added that he’s still adjusting to life as Pope, but tries to stay informed. Which makes sense when you consider that he just moved into a church-owned walled city where the neighborhood watch is literally the Swiss Army.

The Pope thinks Elon Musk’s greed is obscene. Elon Musk thinks the Pope is irrelevant. And the rest of us just hope Jesus doesn’t come back now, because explaining how Musk’s wealth is terrible while the Church is hoarding Michelangelos is going to be an awkward conversation.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.