Pope’s Astronomer Says He’d Baptize Aliens. Scientologists Seen Nervously Checking Membership Numbers

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VATICAN CITY — The Pope’s new chief astronomer has confirmed he would gladly baptize an extraterrestrial, provided they promise not to “probe” during confession. 

Father Richard D’Souza, recently appointed director of the Vatican Observatory, said that discovering intelligent alien life would be a “seismic event” for theology. However, he remained confident that the Church’s existing bureaucracy could smother every last ounce of excitement by holding an endless committee debating the theological ramifications. Sources say the committee has already split into subcommittees to define the term “alien” and whether “tentacle” counts as a limb or a temptation.

“If they’re one of God’s creatures,” said D’Souza, “then of course they can join the Church. Though obviously we’d need to confirm they’re not already Catholic through their mother’s side.” The Church has not yet clarified whether baptismal names must be chosen from the Book of Saints or the Star Trek Expanded Universe.

The Jesuit priest added that logistical issues remain. “Baptism requires physical presence,” he explained. “That’s hard when the candidate lives 13 light-years away and may or may not breathe ammonia.” Plans to beam holy water via radio waves were shelved after the test signal inadvertently converted a weather satellite.

Church officials say the process for alien conversion would mirror the one for humans: catechism classes, moral instruction, and several decades of internal paperwork. A Vatican spokesperson later clarified that extraterrestrial parishioners would still be expected to tithe, “assuming their economy isn’t based on heliocentric models, carbon dating, or women holding positions of authority.”

D’Souza admitted religion might have to “reimagine itself” if intelligent life exists, though insiders say the Church already does this every few centuries, usually right after excommunicating someone for inventing whatever it’s about to endorse.

When asked how the alien baptism would be performed, the priest smiled. “Three splashes, a Latin mumble, and a quiet assurance that transubstantiation still applies on planets without bread.”

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