Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
There's definitely an unidentified facial obtrusion going on here. (Gage Skidmore/wikimedia)
Podcast host and man currently evolving into a sentient kettlebell, Joe Rogan, sat down with Florida Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna this week for a wide-ranging conversation that started with aliens and ended somewhere around “what if Ted Cruz was actually a hologram controlled by Halliburton.”
It began innocently enough. Luna, a Republican from Florida and Chairwoman of the House Committee on “Totally Real and Not At All Made-Up Mysteries,” described her personal experience with an unidentified flying object, or “UAP” as the government now prefers, although politicians still insist on pronouncing acronyms as actual words. “You-Fo”. “You-App”.
According to Luna, she was working as an airfield manager at the Portland Air National Guard base when pilots encountered something that moved faster than a Floridian fleeing a hurricane with a giant American flag on the back of a jet ski full of meth. The pilots, she claims, refused to elaborate out of fear they’d be removed from flight status. Or worse, transferred to Space Force.
Rogan, who’s heard enough DMT-fueled babbling to recognize when someone’s maybe telling the truth, nodded intently. “Okay, okay. That tracks. I’ve talked to Navy pilots who’ve seen tic-tacs doing Mach 20. I get it.”
The truth is out there. But it's not coming out of any mouths in this story. (kolbass/depositphotos)
But then things took a turn.
“I’ve seen other unexplained things, too,” Luna continued. “This one time I saw a youth group leader who wasn’t trying to groom any of the kids.”
Rogan blinked.
“And a Republican senator who was sincerely worried about corporate subsidies.”
Rogan’s eyebrows twitched. “Okay…”
“And once,” she said, leaning in, “I saw a conservative think tank host a climate science symposium. With actual scientists.”
“Wait, what?” Rogan asked, looking like he just bit into a Beyond Burger and realized it was made from tofu and regret.
“And the strangest one,” she added. “I met a Republican who admitted trickle-down economics doesn’t work.”
“Oh come on,” Rogan finally said. “You expect me to believe all that? Lady, I believed your UFO story. But this? This is pure fantasy. Next, you’ll be telling me Mitch McConnell isn’t a sentient robot and once returned a shopping cart.”
Still, Luna insists her tales are true and continues her work with the House Oversight Committee on Conspiracies That Sound Cool. The committee has already begun its next investigation: whether or not Chuck Schumer is secretly three ferrets in a suit (answer: inconclusive, but promising).
Even the pop filter on his microphone is trying to escape. (Do512/Flickr)
Meanwhile, the Department of Defense’s “All-Domain Anomaly Resolution Office”, a name designed by a government agency determined to be mocked in every Reddit thread, continues to insist they’ve found zero proof of extraterrestrial life, physics-defying aircraft, or bipartisan cooperation.
Luna remains undeterred.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” she said. “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Mar-a-Lago. I watched tax cuts glitter in the dark near the Bush-Era Reconciliation Act Gate.”
Then she paused.
“And also, like, an alien one time.”
Rogan nodded. “Yeah, that part I believe.”
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
