The Only Certainties are Death & Taxes At Least One Gives You a Due Date

April 15 is tax day – the day when we all find out we know nothing about taxes, how the government works, or whether pickleball can be a write-off. Maybe you’re one of those people who filed your taxes in early February and if so, this article is not for you. Go back to chipping away at the remainder of your Christmas shopping. But for the rest of you, here are some do’s and don’ts for tax season.

DO: File an Extension

This article is the first time you are realizing it is tax day. Technically, it is the first time you are realizing it is April. You are not a go-getter – which reminds you you should play fetch with your dog. And that reminds you to get a dog. Oooh, how great would it be to have a Golden Retriever? Those dogs are so awesome…and so dumb.

FYI. That’s also how people describe you and why you haven’t done your taxes yet.

Go file for an extension and then you can have this same conversation in your head again in a few months.

DON’T: Try to Do It Yourself

You were a C student in high school math. You failed out of Accounting 101 in college. You only bought the free version of the tax software. The only thing you have going for you is that you didn’t make enough money for people to consider you worthy of an audit. Unless they notice you tried to write off your Taylor Swift tickets as a business expense.

DON’T: Use your friend Dave’s “Guy”

Sure he’s got great stories, but you are not sure he is technically even a real accountant, and his iPhone screen is always shattered.

Use your dad’s CPA (his actual title) he’s the most boring man you’ve ever met and he is not going to get you a refund, but he is going to do everything by the book and you don’t know anything about that book. Plus tax guys and safety inspectors should be boring and nerdy. Exciting tax guys get killed in mob hits.

DO: Take Advantage of Places Giving Away Free Stuff

Everybody hates tax day – take advantage of this universal agreement and the wheels of consumerism to get some free stuff. And remember, if it’s not free, you do not get to write it off for next year.