Today in “I Want To Believe”: Study Shows Youth Drinking Correlates With Success

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Research from the University of Oslo indicates that heavy alcohol consumption during late adolescence may correlate with improved economic outcomes in adulthood, a conclusion that sounds less like science and more like the origin story for every terrible decision made at 2 a.m. in a college town anywhere on Earth. 

Willy Pedersen of the University of Oslo spent 18 years tracking over 3,000 Norwegians from adolescence through their early thirties, meticulously documenting which ones became successful professionals and which ones simply became professional drinkers. The study found that those who began regular binge drinking in their late teens achieved higher socioeconomic status than their sober peers, a finding Pedersen describes as “statistically quite strong” and “absolutely not an excuse to get hammered, but I’m legally required to say that.”

In his book The Beauty and Pain of Drugs, Pedersen argues that alcohol serves as what he calls “a marker of sociality,” which is academic speak for “sometimes you need to be drunk to tolerate other humans at networking events.” He emphasized that the correlation exists not because alcohol chemically improves brain function, but because drinking signals social integration. “It’s not that the alcohol enters your body and does something with your brain,” he explained to The Times, before pausing to consider whether that sentence made him sound like he’d never encountered alcohol before.

The research drew heavily on observational data showing that frequent drinkers in their twenties tended to achieve better outcomes than abstainers. Pedersen referenced Oxford University’s Bullingdon Club as evidence, an elite drinking society whose alumni include former Prime Ministers Boris Johnson and David Cameron. Critics immediately noted that attributing Johnson’s career success to alcohol consumption rather than inherited wealth and institutional access might constitute confusing cause and effect, though Pedersen maintained that both factors probably involved some degree of impaired judgment. 

The study does acknowledge certain limitations. Pedersen warned that drinking alone shows no correlation with success, meaning those who pound shots in solitary depression should expect neither raises nor invitations to office parties. He also cautioned against full-blown alcoholism, noting that researchers have yet to identify a career path requiring liver failure as a prerequisite, though several pointed out that holding political office comes close.

Linda Granlund, director of public health at the Norwegian government’s health directorate, issued guidance encouraging people to reduce their alcohol intake regardless of any perceived social benefits. “Every glass you choose to skip is good for your health,” she said, her voice conveying the exhaustion of someone who knows nobody will skip any glasses.

The study makes clear that any success-related benefits stem from social dynamics rather than pharmacological effects, though this distinction may prove difficult to communicate to the target demographic most likely to misinterpret the findings. Pedersen stressed that the research should not be understood as an endorsement of heavy drinking, which did nothing to prevent undergraduate newspapers worldwide from printing headlines reading “Science Says Get S**thammered.”

Peer review proceedings have encountered unexpected complications after the academic community realized that most reviewers qualify as their own case studies, having themselves drunk heavily during graduate school and subsequently achieved professional success. Several scholars recused themselves, citing concerns about bias, though the real concern appears to be the uncomfortable realization that they might be living proof of Pedersen’s thesis.

Health organizations continue emphasizing that correlation does not equal causation, a message they’ve been repeating with increasing desperation as sales of Norwegian aquavit mysteriously spike across European university towns. 

Meanwhile, Pedersen watches his carefully qualified research become the thing he specifically said it wasn’t, which may be the most predictable outcome of all.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.