Why Are People Buying All This Crazy Celebrity S**t All of a Sudden?

It began, as most modern tragedies do, with someone paying four figures for a sock that Michael Jackson once sweated through. Since then, the auction world has gone completely off the rails, reverse-mortgaging dignity and sanity in favor of selling literal garbage to the highest bidder. And sometimes to the drunkest. Why not both?

Last month, a glittery sock that may or may not have touched Michael Jackson’s ankle (and we can be fairly certain it almost definitely touched something else) sold for over $8,000. It was discovered backstage in France three decades ago, lovingly preserved in a Ziploc bag next to a half-eaten churro and a techie’s resignation letter.

Meanwhile, over in the UK, a lock of Admiral Lord Nelson’s hair went up for auction after spending 40 years in a skip (British for “dumpster,” and also an apt metaphor for the current state of humanity). Backed by a handwritten letter from 1911 and an overwhelming sense of “who asked for this,” it’s expected to fetch up to £500, which is the going rate for haunted Victorian hair clippings on Etsy. Interestingly, a lock of Napoleon’s hair once sold at auction for $13,000, which means it’s possible they will both be bought by the same person. Likely someone intent on cloning the Battle of Trafalgar back into existence for a Jurassic Park-style rematch.  

These sales are part of a disturbing trend where people are paying top dollar for items once dismissed as “biohazards” or “stuff your creepy uncle keeps in the garage for no good reason.” Auctioneers claim it’s about history. Critics suspect it’s about having too much money and not enough sense.

Among the most unholy of hammer-droppers:

• William Shatner’s kidney stone, auctioned for $25,000 to benefit Habitat for Humanity (source).
• A leather jockstrap worn by Russell Crowe in Cinderella Man, purchased for $7,000 (or $8,450 with fees) by Last Week Tonight and donated to Alaska’s last operating Blockbuster Video.
• A toilet once used by John Lennon, auctioned for £9,500 at a Beatles memorabilia convention.
• Justin Timberlake’s half-eaten French toast that he left at Z100 in NYC after an on-air interview: $1,025.
• An x-ray of Marylyn Monroe taken right before her endometriosis surgery: $45,000.
• Winston Churchill’s dentures, which helped form some of history’s most iconic growls, fetched £18,000 at auction.
• A pair of soiled underwear once owned by Elvis Presley: $8,000
• A ceramic goat sculpted by King Charles III while he was still at Cambridge, bought for £8,500 in 2024.
• Truman Capote’s ashes, or at least half of them, housed in a Japanese box and sold for $43,750.
• A Facebook hoodie worn by Mark Zuckerberg in the early days of the company, which sold for $15,875 and definitely did not contain his personality.
• Shaquille O’Neal’s LSU student ID card, scooped up by a collector for $26,697, or roughly 0.0000003% of what Shaq’s sneakers would weigh in gold.

Psychologists call this collecting behavior “object-affiliated identity projection,” which is a long way of saying “people will pay stupid money for weirder stuff than you’d ever believe.” Anthropologists say it’s a primal urge to hoard. Financial advisors say it’s an alternative investment. And a random guy holding a haunted Furby says it’s telling him to do unholy things to himself and others.

Auction houses are leaning in. Sotheby’s is launching a new initiative called “Trashure,” specializing in low-effort memorabilia with high emotional trauma. Christie’s is expected to follow suit with “WTF: Weird Things Found.”

Experts believe this trend will only intensify as baby boomers downsize, millennials crave ironic collectibles, and Gen Z refuses to inherit grandma’s china unless it’s been featured in a haunted TikTok challenge.

As always: bid early, bid often, and for the love of all that is sacred, wash your hands after.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.