Disclaimer: While this article’s facts have aged like fine wine, it’s also infused with a youthful display of satire.
Sexy centenarian Helen Denmark marked her latest milestone birthday with friends, caregivers, and various boy toys at the Brookdale Assisted Living Facility in Birmingham. I hear they have a kickass DJ.
DJ Lipitor on the 1's and 2's (Odd News Show/Canva)
When asked for the secret to her youthful spirit and impressive longevity, Helen credited it all to her bad girl lifestyle. “I’m on a steady diet of fine wine, rich desserts, and mustachioed hunks,” Helen said as she took a long drag off a Marlboro Red.
Alex Trebek, Tom Selleck, Victor Neuman—you name ‘em—she’s been through them all. With each tickly kiss, Helen only became harder and harder to kill.
We found The Fountain of Youth, and it's full of wine and mustache hairs. (Odd News Show/Canva)
“I don’t feel a day over 107,” Denmark joked. (She’s a comedian too. What can’t this woman do?)
Radiating with the energy of someone a quarter of her age, Helen confidently declared to the media, “I’ll still be kicking at 110!” Despite her years, Helen insists she’s still in peak form. “As long as the wine keeps flowing and the mustached men keep flirting, I’ll keep on living the dream.”
Coincidentally, the percentage of men with mustaches at the Brookdale Assisted Living Facility in Birmingham has increased to well over 100%.
Viargra perscriptions have skyrocketed. (Odd News Show/Canva)
The U.S. Census Bureau estimated there are about 101,000 people over the age of 100 currently living in America. But how many of them are thriving as much as Helen? ZERO.
Just look at this damn queen. (WDHN/YouTube)
If you dream of celebrating a triple-digit birthday someday, then take Helen’s advice: always drink wine, never skip dessert, and look at this picture whenever possible.
I'm gonna live forever. (burt_reynolds_fan_club/Instagram)
Cheers to you, Helen! Your advice has given us all something to live (a really long time) for.
