Aspen Finally Makes Glory Hole Easier To Enter, Says Park Entrance Wasn’t Satisfying Enough

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

ASPEN, Colo. — The City of Aspen has announced improvements to one of its most beloved green spaces, Glory Hole Park. Officials say the three-week project will focus on safety, accessibility, and making the entrance “more becoming.” Because if there’s one thing Aspen takes seriously, it’s curb appeal. And if there’s one thing Aspen doesn’t take seriously, it’s the phrase “Glory Hole.”

Crews will close nine parking spots on South Original Street during the project, which means Aspen residents may need to park their Range Rovers a staggering half block away. Sources confirm this is the first real hardship the town has faced since Whole Foods ran out of imported quail eggs last winter.

The city plans to resurface the cracked, bumpy walking path with a material called “stabilized crusher.” According to park officials, this material resists erosion and holds together better than most Aspen polycules. The flatter, smoother path will make it easier for wheelchairs, strollers, crutches, and whatever other strange mobility devices billionaires dream up after breaking their legs heli-skiing.

The entrance will also be rebuilt using two-inch-thick flagstone pavers. Parks Manager Steve Barr clarified that flagstones are “like patio stones, but thicker.” Which is the exact same description Aspenites use for their skulls after three martinis at the St. Regis.

The whole project should take three weeks, or two if crews “go really hard at it.” Which, as longtime locals note, is how Glory Hole has always operated.

This is part of a larger accessibility push across Aspen’s parks. Wagner Park is ditching woodchips for poured-in-place rubber, Herron Park got a fresh path to its picnic area, and Cozy Point Ranch now has a stabilized archery range floor, so billionaires can practice shooting arrows in ADA comfort.

Accessibility advocates say these updates help “the public”. Asked to clarify, one local explained: “The public is like us, but with slightly fewer private jets.”

And so, after years of neglect, the city is finally opening Glory Hole to everyone. No matter your mobility level, Aspen wants you to know: the path is smooth, the entrance is wide, and you’re welcome to come inside.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.