Century-Old Lobster Rolls Out After Years of Captivity

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

What did you do for Father’s Day? Probably bought dad a tie. Or if you’re a father, probably pretended to act excited about getting another stupid tie. I mean, you’re a construction worker. What the hell do you need another tie for? The last time you wore a tie was at your wedding, and that was a clip-on. Why do your kids keep buying you ties? At any rate, what did you do for National Lobster Day, which coincidentally was also the same day as Father’s Day? Probably not what one restaurant did, which was pardon a 110-year-old lobster named Lorenzo.

The restaurant in question is in Hempstead, Long Island, best known for Jones Beach and endless traffic delays, regardless of what time of day you’re driving. Peter’s Clam House is, obviously, a seafood restaurant. It’s been around since 1939, which is a long-ass time, although not as long as Lorenzo has been around. Born in 1915, the crustacean probably had an idyllic childhood, hanging out in the ocean just a few years after the TItanic sank and long before Peter had an idea to open a house of clams. There was probably still a Model T backup on the Meadowbrook Parkway, though.

At some point through his uneventful and waterlogged life, Lorenzo was captured and brought to land, where he was thrown into a tank at the then-new tourist trap Peter’s Clam House. What happened next may surprise you, but probably won’t – Lorenzo outlasted Peter. The current owner of Peter’s isn’t named Peter, but Butch, who told WPIX “Lorenzo just kind of slipped through the cracks and ended up in our tank for years.” That likely wouldn’t have happened if Peter’s Clam Bar was called Butch’s Lobster Shack but here we are.

The owner said that Lorenzo became so much of a fixture at Peter’s that people would come and take pictures with him, which probably annoyed the crustacean, since the only thing worse than a pot that slowly gets hotter with you in it is paparazzi. And while many diners probably took a look at him and opted for the younger, more succulent-looking lobster, Lorenzo just kind of hung out, looking much less tasty than the others. 

Eventually, and probably because of the aforementioned Father’s Day/Lobster Day coincidence, Pete’s decided to free him and let him return from whence he came – the ocean. He got a proclamation and pardon from the town and everything. From the looks of it, they simply released the lobster, who had had rubber bands on his claws and lived in a confined space for decades, back into the sea, where he was ostracized for being old and not knowing the hip new lobster lingo. And we’re also imagining that, without the rubber bands being taken off and having been confined to a tank for years, he was devoured by sharks within seconds of being thrown back in.

This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.