Flight Diverted After Passengers Eat, Flush Passports

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

As far as paper goes, most of it tastes exactly the same. Of course, cardboard can be a little more chewy, and sandpaper is a little… sandy. For birthdays and holidays, nothing beats some wrapping paper. And you might think you’ll get smarter by eating a book, but that’s simply not the case.

In fact, the smartest thing you can do with paper is pretty much anything other than put it in your mouth. That’s common sense to us, but two passengers on a Ryanair flight from Milan to London decided mid-flight that they wanted no part of their passports, and it was enough to have the whole flight diverted. 

Things started out normally enough on the flight, but as soon as the seatbelt sign went off, some weird stuff went on. Namely, two passengers started acting up, with one tearing pages out of his passport and eating them, a witness reported. The other one took off to the other end of the aircraft and, unlike his passport-chomping buddy, decided to cut out the middleman and just flush his passport down the toilet. This was enough to disturb everyone on the flight. A flight attendant banged on the lavatory door, but the man refused to budge. 

If there’s one thing that might have calmed the flight down, it would be a nice, calm, measured announcement over the speaker; however, the witness said that the proclamation from Ryanair was so “blunt and to the point” that it “freaked people out to another level.” The flight was diverted to France, where the police detained the men. Two hours and an extensive bag search later, the plane was back on its way to London. For their part, the airline gave all passengers a complimentary drink. There’s no word if any of them used it to wash down their own passports. 

“It was all a misunderstanding,” one of the detained men probably said. “I just love international food, and short of getting a Tour of Italy at the Olive Garden, nothing beats the taste of an Italian passport. Mangia!” His companion wasn’t so lucky, saying he tried to eat his passport, but he’s allergic to paper, and it went right through him. The two are likely still in France, given that they presumably don’t have their passports with them anymore, but now they can enjoy some of that sweet French paper with a baguette and some Moët.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.