Moments before "The Event" (Sandy Huffaker/Legoland)

You own the world’s rarest Lamborghini? So what.
You earned a million dollars by the age of nine? Big deal.
You’ve completed Navy SEALs training? I don’t care.
You have six Academy Awards? Whatever.

I’m not interested in any of your so-called accomplishments. Save your tales of conquest for someone else. I can’t be expected to feign interest in your personal victories anymore. Nothing you’ve ever achieved, or ever will achieve is of any consequence to me.

Compared to the things I’ve seen, the things I’ve done – everything in your life pales in comparison. My personal accomplishments are more incredible than anything you could ever imagine.

Because I participated in the world’s largest dance party of people wearing dinosaur costumes.

And before you ask, YES it was certified by the Guinness Book of World Records. So spare me your tales of winning a sword fight on the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro, grabbing the controls of an airplane and landing it after the pilot collapsed, or being trapped inside a bank vault and escaping with a toothpick.

Because I went to a theme park dressed in an inflatable T-Rex costume, and busted a move.

The sun burns cold, food tastes of ash, there is nothing left for me. (Laughing Place)

I wasn’t alone of course. No one would go to LegoLand by themselves in a giant lizard costume and start dancing. You’d look ridiculous. I was dancing with 1,273 other people who were also dressed as dinosaurs.

And it was glorious.

There’s no sense wondering “what’s next?” for me; that was it. That was the brass ring. “And he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer.” I now understand the emptiness that Alexander the Great must have felt. To reach the peak of human existence and know that there’s nothing left to aspire to.

The previous record of people having a dance party while dressed as dinosaurs was a meager 252 participants; and frankly, that number is pathetic. They deserved to be dethroned because our record beat theirs by more than 1,000 people.

I’m on a different plane of existence now. I abandoned my family, my career. There’s no sense trying to “go back” to the life I had before – before I participated in the biggest gathering of people dancing while dressed in dinosaur costumes. In that perfect moment – I peaked. I became something greater than I once was; someone new. My only path now is to roam the earth alone, dressed in my Tyrannosaur outfit and quietly contemplate the miraculous things that I’ve done.