Man Captures New Bigfoot Video Using a 2003 Motorola Razr He Keeps in a Sock Drawer “For Emergencies”

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

In what experts are calling “a truly compelling argument for throwing your phone in a river,” a man named Bill who, in classic cryptid hunter fashion, refuses to provide a last name, home address, or own a camera manufactured in the last two decades, claims to have accidentally filmed Bigfoot trotting through the snowy Sierra Nevadas.

The grainy footage was taken on what might technically be called a “camera,” though judging by the resolution, it may also have been an Etch A Sketch duct-taped to a squirrel.

Bill said he was out walking his two dogs near Coyote Ridge, California, filming them with the enthusiasm of a guy who treats every stick-fetch as a potential Sundance short, complete with shaky zoom and weird existential narration. Suddenly, something caught his eye: a large, dark, blurry figure moving quickly through the trees. Which is suspicious because, again, he was filming the dogs. Not the forest. Not Bigfoot. The dogs. Who does that?

“I only saw it when I replayed the footage,” Bill said, presumably while blowing on the lens to see if that helped. “At first, I thought the dogs were just barking at a snowboarder or a libertarian. But then I zoomed in 400% and saw the figure was moving like something that didn’t care one whit about proper hydration, the consequences of three consecutive concussions, or personal liberty.”

According to Bill, the subject moved “smoothly, with little up and down motion,” which has convinced the Rocky Mountain Sasquatch Organization (yes, that’s a thing) that whatever Bill caught on video is probably not human. RMSO experts say it couldn’t be a person because people “bounce” when they walk. This is apparently the exact scientific method used to determine the authenticity of bobbleheads.

The video, which was almost immediately uploaded to the internet and regretted by everyone, reignited the eternal online war between two deeply committed camps: those who believe in Bigfoot, and those who believe in HD cameras.

Critics have pointed out that Bill’s footage, when enhanced, reveals that the alleged Sasquatch has what appears to be a “dome-shaped head,” as well as “knees” and “the unmistakable gait of someone trying not to crap themselves in snow pants,” which the RMSO believes rules out known wildlife such as bears, elk, and your uncle Randy who gets mistaken for a yeti every time he skips a haircut and a court date

Skeptics, meanwhile, insist the figure is just a guy in a hoodie out hiking. “It’s too far away to tell,” one YouTube commenter wrote, “but I paused it at frame 238 and I think the Bigfoot is vaping.”

Another critic added: “We have 8K security cameras in doorbells that can read a pigeon’s license plate at 500 yards, and this guy’s out here filming the discovery of the century with what, a camcorder that thinks VHS is witchcraft?”

Not to be deterred by common sense or optical limitations, the RMSO insists the footage is authentic and may even prove Bigfoot has military training. “You can clearly see it executing a tactical crouch,” said RMSO lead researcher Dale “Eyes On The Bushline” Jefferson. “This wasn’t some guy out hiking. It clearly had battlefield awareness. Probably ex-Special Forces. Or worse, Canadian.”

Despite being filmed on what might’ve been a Texas Instruments scientific calculator, the RMSO believes the video holds the key to modern cryptozoology. “The locomotion is biomechanically consistent with a non-human biped,” said Chad Ruxley, who joined the team after his NFT startup collapsed and his subsequent AI startup convinced him that the term “rawdogging” meant go live in the woods off the grid.

Meanwhile, the dogs who were present during the sighting didn’t bark at Bigfoot at all, choosing instead to sniff a pine cone and then wander off, clearly unimpressed by an interdimensional ape-man. “It’s just another Tuesday for them,” Bill explained. “One time they peed on a geocacher.”

The video has since joined a prestigious lineage of indecipherable cryptid footage, including Bigfoot crossing a creek in 1967, Elvis buying jerky in a New Mexico gas station in 1993, and a haunted toaster livestreamed from, and by, an AI-powered microwave. 

Bill’s clip has already been nominated for Best Cinematography at the Annual Blobs That Might Be a Guy Awards, presented by the International Society for Stuff That’s Probably a Log. It has some stiff competition, though. Other nominees include: “Sasquatch: Blurry Edition,” “Could Be a Ghost or Just Todd,” and “Alien Caught on Dashcam While Guy Reaches for Taco Bell.” 

Long before TikTok and conspiracy forums, Sasquatch was known to Indigenous tribes as a being of spiritual power and mystery. Today, he’s mostly known for being out-of-focus in ways scientists previously thought impossible. Despite the existence of 108-megapixel phones and cameras strapped to falcons for weather research, all new Bigfoot footage still continues to resemble a Magic Eye puzzle drawn by someone in a van.

Bill remains proud of the footage. “It proves something was out there,” he said. “And also that my camera dates back to the Bush administration. The first one.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.