Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Thousands packed into Nockamixon State Park over the 4th of July weekend to celebrate America by setting off fireworks, drinking too much, and apparently, committing acts of random livestock neglect.

When the crowds cleared, park staff were left with the usual trash, beer cans, and one unexpected 130-pound pot-bellied pig,, now known as Porky, who was found wandering near the fishing pier likely wondering what sin he’d committed to deserve being ditched in Bucks County.

When you've been "Irish Goodbye'd" this much, you'd think you'd get the message… Mmmm, Irish bacon. (Andrea Stöckel/Public Domain)

“At first I thought it was just my uncle in a tank top,” said one park guest, until the pig oinked in a way that suggested it had seen things.

Park Manager Obie Derr sprang into action, assembling a crack team of confused rangers, mildly competent office workers, and a guy named Chris who had “farm experience” and apparently keeps a lasso in his glovebox “just in case.”

After a slow-motion Benny Hill-style chase involving three granola bars, a Wawa hoagie, and one employee yelling “DO NOT CHASE THE BACON,” the crew corralled Porky, who was surprisingly chill about the whole thing. “Probably because we were feeding him half our lunch,” said Derr, wiping mustard off his clipboard.

Porky was taken to the Quakertown SPCA, where he received a wellness check, a nickname, and most of a Doritos Locos Taco. He’s said to be friendly, mite-infested, and still waiting for whoever ghosted him to at least text back.

Unfortunately, park officials say this isn’t the first time someone’s abandoned a pet at the park. “We usually find cats, dogs, or someone’s cousin after what we like to call ‘a hard seltzer incident,’ if you know what I mean. This was our first pig, though” Derr said, adding that they’ve updated the park’s lost and found to include “miscellaneous swine.”

If you recognize Porky, or just really want a pig that’s lived through the Pennsylvania equivalent of Into the Wild, contact the SPCA.  They’re still assessing compatibility with families, but he’s already made friends with a park ranger’s lunchbox and a vegan philosophy major on a smoke break.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.