Poop Perps in the Fernery Strike Again

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

The Fernery, a building that houses more than 60 varieties of fern at Queen Elizabeth Park in Masterton, was forced to close on Wednesday after staff discovered human feces inside. The fernery is home to dozens of rare plant species, a tranquil indoor environment, and now, the remnants of someone’s Crunchwrap Supreme and Baja Blast from lunch. Nature really is healing.

According to officials, this isn’t even a one-time occurrence. “We’ve had several incidents recently of people defecating in the Fernery.” Why is this a recurring problem? What is it about the fernery specifically that makes people think, yeah, this is where I should take a dump? Do they know there’s a public restroom two minutes away? Is there some mystical quality to the ferns that suddenly overrides years of potty training?

Look, I understand emergencies happen. Sometimes you’re dripping in sweat. Sometimes you’re bargaining with God. Sometimes you’re clenching so hard you’re seeing stars. But most people don’t end up in a public botanical garden thinking, well, this’ll have to do.

Imagine you’re a kid playing innocently in the playground. You wander into the fernery expecting to see colorful butterflies, a babbling brook, and cool plants. Instead, you round a corner and see a 45-year-old man plopping one down behind a fern while maintaining direct eye contact with you. Suddenly, that chocolate ice cream cone doesn’t taste so good. A memory you will bring up in therapy 20 years later.

What fascinates me the most is the amount of confidence this guy has. I get nervous telling the waiter they got my order wrong. This person is apparently comfortable squatting in a public greenhouse in broad daylight. I mean, did he even wipe? That’s a level of self-assurance that I can only hope to achieve.

Maybe they’re trying to connect with nature. Maybe they’ve watched one too many episodes of Naked and Afraid and decided civilization has made us all weak. Maybe they’re attempting to live like animals in their natural habitat. Or maybe whoever did this just really misunderstood what people mean when they say “touch grass.”

I think this is all just a misunderstood movement. Farm-to-table was only the beginning. These visitors are simply trying to live as nature intended. On the bright side, at least it’s fertilizer for the plants. The ferns may not appreciate the contribution, but they’re the only ones getting anything out of this arrangement.

For now, officials are asking visitors to use the restroom facilities provided. A request that feels both completely reasonable and somehow necessary enough that it had to be said out loud.

To read Drew Curtis’ Odd Take on this story, click here.