Sharks Disappointed as Man Swims Martha’s Vineyard Without Being Eaten

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

It’s been 50 years since the film Jaws was released. It’s also been just as long since many have set foot in the ocean for fear of losing said foot to a hungry Great White. You may remember that the original film was filmed in and around Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

What you may not remember is that by the time Jaws 3-D came out, the shark just randomly followed its victims around the country. I think it might’ve taken a bus to Florida by then, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, with the anniversary of the original coming up, swimmer Lewis Pugh decided to pay homage to it by swimming around Martha’s Vineyard, a 12-day, 59-mile journey, as shark bait. 

Pugh swam 24 hours over the course of 12 days, sometimes for as little as half a mile, as storms and wind hampered the feat, as well as the fear of being constantly eaten. “It’s been one of the toughest swims of my life,” he wrote on social media. “Cold water, relentless wind, big waves, and the constant thought of what might be beneath me.” However, the reason for his big swim was actually to raise awareness of sharks as majestic creatures that miiiight not want to chomp on humans.

“Jaws has shaped our perception of sharks as vindictive killers,” Pugh continued. “That fear spread across the globe and lasted for half a century.” And despite what blockbusters might tell you, and also the news, Pugh may have had a point. In almost two weeks, a shark didn’t even come close to dining on him. And we hadn’t thought about it from the shark’s point of view until catching up with one.

“Is he gone yet?” a shark asked. “What is this guy’s problem? I’m hanging out at home watching Tank (which you guys call Shark Tank), and suddenly there’s someone all up in my habitat. He didn’t knock or anything. And I’m all for giving someone a chance, but he kept coming back. 12 days in a row, that must be some sort of record for trespassing. Some people have no respect. You don’t see me beaching myself just to annoy a human. I mean, I guess we have our fun with that fin trick, but still. It’s a damn good thing I’m a vegan or else he might’ve had a problem.”

Regardless, Pugh hopes his almost two weeks of swimming will result in further shark awareness. “Sharks are not monsters,” he concluded on social media. “They’re magnificent. They’re essential. And they’re seriously endangered. As apex predators, they keep the ocean in balance. Take them out, and the entire ecosystem starts to collapse. Right now, sharks need us.”

It’s funny how “endangered” sounds a lot like “you’re in danger,” but since he survived to tell his shark tale, perhaps we can give him the benefit of the doubt.

This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.