T-Rex Express: A Carnivorous Day at the Races

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

If you recently saw hundreds of people dressed up as T-Rexes and sprinting in a race, you were either badly hallucinating or you were in Auburn, Washington, for the annual T-Rex World Championship Races. The event, which has a true claim to being a tradition unlike any other, was won by a man from Houston, though really everyone involved can consider themselves true winners.

The Pacific Northwest event began in 2017 as a team-building exercise at a pest control company. From those humble origins, the internet took notice and ran with it, and the public excitement led the event to open to the public starting the very next year. So, don’t let anyone tell you the internet isn’t a force for good.

“It’s unfortunate that some racers tripped during the contest,” said a local spectator. “Normally, I would say that they must have been embarrassed, but let’s face it, they’re running in an inflatable dinosaur costume in a race that will air on national television – so I think they were probably okay.”

The spectacle will be shown on ESPN2 later this summer (honestly!) – the exact date and time are not yet known, but an anxious nation eagerly awaits the news. And if the sprinting wasn’t enough excitement, another event involved three faux T-Rexes jumping out of an airplane and parachuting down to the track, where they then ran to the finish line. Let’s see some Olympic “athlete” do anything that amazing.

“The top speed of a T-Rex was around 15 miles per hour,” said a dinosaur expert who has no way of really knowing that and just thought of a number that sounded reasonable. “I’m glad the runners ran a similar rate to that of the actual dinosaur, so that the dignity of this event was upheld and the T-Rex was honored properly.”

The T-Rex is best known as the star of the Jurassic Park film franchise, which continues to churn out new content and make big bucks. “The T-Rex would likely be a fan of the movies,” said the expert, “because their skeletons indicate that they were capitalists, which of course means loving summer blockbuster sequels.”

When asked if next year’s event might include racing other dinosaurs, like the triceratops or velociraptor, an official replied, “What? Absolutely not. We don’t want to tarnish the pride and solemn dignity of this event by including any other random dinosaurs. We will be sticking with the blow-up, cartoonish T-Rex costumes, thank you very much. I can’t believe you would even ask such a question.”

This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.