Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ Sequel(s) Promise To Fix “Woke” Jesus

Satirical Editorial Opinion by Drew Curtis, Odd News

Mel Gibson, noted filmmaker and semi-professional public apology generator, has announced plans for not one, but two sequels to The Passion of the Christ. According to Gibson, this time Jesus won’t be “so woke about everything.” Apparently, turning the brutal death of Jesus into an R-rated snuff film wasn’t quite sacrilegious enough, so now Jesus has to endure being franchise bait for a man who thinks the Sermon on the Mount was a communist plot.

The sequels, titled “Christ Hard” and “Christ Harder”, are set to hit theaters in 2027, assuming no one intervenes in Mel Gibson’s increasingly personal quest to make the Bible more like Mad Max, but with sandals. “Christ Hard” drops on Good Friday, just in case your family traditions didn’t already include confusing dialogue, violence, and gluten-free body of Christ wafers. “Christ Harder” will follow 40 days later, because when your subject matter is divine resurrection, you might as well lean into the brand synergy.

In a recent interview with Whatever Outlet Still Takes His Calls, Gibson said he’s rewriting the resurrection to make Jesus “less of a community organizer and more of a rugged individualist with divine vengeance and great abs.” He went on to say, “The original Gospels are fine, but they’re kind of socialist, you know? Jesus doesn’t even own a sword.”

Gibson also insisted his version would be “more historically accurate,” while simultaneously describing a scene in which Jesus escapes the tomb by drop-kicking the stone into the Sea of Galilee while a chorus of angels blasts Metallica’s “One.”

Reportedly, Gibson’s script also opens with Jesus emerging from the tomb shirtless, soaked in holy plasma, and whispering fiercely, “You left me for dead.” The working subtitle for Christ Hard is: “He Died For Your Sins. Now You Die For His.”

Pope Leo XIV released a statement so diplomatically brutal it had cardinals high-fiving in Latin. “While the Church encourages artistic interpretation, turning the Resurrection into a bloody vendetta with Roman fatalities and ‘ascension via jetpack’ is not what we meant by divine inspiration.”

The Vatican is also reportedly considering excommunicating Gibson’s entire filmography, except Chicken Run 2, which they claim “slaps.”

Gibson described the sequels as “biblical noir meets action thriller,” adding, “I wanted to explore the missing time between Jesus rising from the dead and him ascending into heaven, which I assume involved swordfights, parkour, and blowing up several Pharisee drug labs. Among other things.”

In Gibson’s vision, Jesus rides a white horse through Jerusalem while fighting off “woke demons of empathy,” including:

Pronounius, the Genderfluid Djinn of the Third Bathroom Stall

Torments Roman governors by asking how they identify before every crucifixion.

Transfigurations 1:12 – “And Pronounius spake not, but vibed unto the multitude, who asked, ‘Art thou a man or a woman?’ And the demon replied, ‘Yes.’”

Venmochus, Spirit of Student Debt Cancellation

Floats above Galilee whispering, “The fish and loaves were communal property, bro.”

Second Wokementations 7:11 – “Blessed are the broke, for they shall inherit their roommate’s Netflix password.”

Socialjusticeon, Flaming Sword of Feelsplaining

Once made Jesus cite sources for “Blessed are the meek”, calling it “classist framing.”

Book of Blueskye 3:6 – “And Socialjusticeon did descend with hashtags of flame, tagging each priest in their iniquities. And the priests did wail, saying, ‘Lo, we are cancelled!’ But the algorithm remembereth forever.”

Therapthyst, the Demon of Mental Health Access

Offers centurions free CBT and affordable sliding-scale trauma counseling, which causes several to defect to Ireland.

Scroll of Diagnosia 4:4 – “And the Sadducees spake: ‘This is but a case of possession!’ But Therapthyst corrected them, saying, ‘Nay, this is unresolved parental attachment.’”

Affirmatia, the Spirit of Safe Spaces

Builds a sensory-friendly temple zone where flipping tables is prohibited unless you’ve cleared it with the Feelings Committee.

Letter to the Corinthian Diversity Board 2:4 – “Let there be a safe space in the temple’s east wing, where no table shall be flipped, nor harsh tone uttered. And Affirmatia shall bless thee with emotional bandwidth.”

Virtuorsus, the Demon of Morally Superior Scrolls

Breaks the fourth wall repeatedly to remind Jesus that he’s not doing enough for Palestinian refugees. Jesus responds that in 2025, he’s too busy appearing on toast.  

The Book of Humblebraggery 12:2 – “And Virtuorsus did pray aloud in the streets: ‘O Lord, forgive them, for they know not how insufficient their activism is compared to mine.’”

In one reportedly cut scene, Jesus and Peter infiltrate a Roman gala disguised as centurions, and Peter delivers the line, “I deny you three times, Caesar. And now, accept my invitation for you to die by the sword.”

Biblical scholars have panned the script, saying the only thing accurate about it is that it still technically features a guy named Jesus. “This isn’t theology,” said Dr. Ruth Esther Goldblatt of Divinity University. “It’s as if Mel read the Bible backwards while blackout drunk and came away convinced the Bible’s central message was ‘Never apologize, always explode.’”

When asked why the film needed to be split into two parts, Gibson responded, “I’m just following scripture. There were, like, four Gospels. I’m only doing two.” Which is not at all an answer to the question, but that’s what he said.  

Churches nationwide are debating whether to show the movie in youth groups, with one pastor saying, “It’s rated R, but in all honesty, so is the Bible, so it’s probably fine. Bring back forced marriage and slavery already. Sure, there’s nudity, explosions, and Jesus stabs a demon in the face with a consecrated nail, but it’s symbolic. And besides, how else are we gonna compete with Fortnite? It’s what Jesus would have wanted.”

As pre-production ramps up, sources close to the film say Gibson has already scouted locations, including Jerusalem, Utah, and a Mississippi Cracker Barrel parking lot that “just felt spiritual.” Jim Caviezel will return as Jesus, pending negotiations with the ghost of Charlton Heston and several QAnon forums.

The Pope has refused to comment any further, except to reportedly murmur, “Christ didn’t die for this” to himself while clutching a rosary and pouring himself a third Negroni.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.