Netflix Secures Rights to “The Settlers of Catan.” Working title: “Wood for Sheep”

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Netflix has announced it has secured exclusive rights to adapt The Settlers of Catan, the 1995 board game responsible for ending more friendships than Monopoly and Risk combined.

According to a statement from Asmodée Editions, the French publisher that owns Catan’s global rights, the streaming giant plans to produce both scripted and reality-based projects, suggesting that even they aren’t sure what this is yet. Industry insiders say development will be led by Guido and Benjamin Teuber, sons of Catan’s late creator Klaus Teuber, who reportedly described the announcement as “a natural expansion of our father’s vision of friendly competition followed by economic collapse.”

Netflix says the show will explore “the human condition through resource scarcity,” which sounds a lot like their office lunch policy. When pressed for specifics, Netflix promises to dramatize “the tension of trading wood,” a sentence that’s been taken out of context thousands of times already.

Asmodée CEO Thomas Koegler called the deal “proof that board games are a true part of modern pop culture,” adding that he’s been waiting 30 years for someone to finally put wheat trading in 4K.

The show’s structure remains unclear, but early reports suggest Season One will follow a group of settlers as they attempt to colonize the island of Catan without sufficient brick. Episode titles leaked online include “Longest Road,” “Robber in the Desert,” and “I Swear to God, Jeff, I Told You I Needed Two Sheep.”

Production insiders describe the tone as “Game of Thrones meets Zillow.” Each episode will reportedly open with a recap of previous resource distributions and close with a council vote to exile whoever rolls a seven.

In addition to scripted projects, Netflix is also considering a reality competition titled Catan: Survival of the Settlers, where contestants must barter resources while trapped on an island with no Wi-Fi and one increasingly hostile banker. Contestants will compete for victory points by offering their “wood” to anyone who will take it. 

Filming will begin “once Netflix acquires sufficient lumber,” according to production documents. The series is expected to premiere in 2026, or whenever the cast finally agrees on who gets the first settlement.

The adaptation is part of Netflix’s growing strategy to convert board games into television properties, following projects based on The Werewolves of Düsterwald and Monopoly. Asked about the possibility of a Candy Land adaptation, Koegler said the company would “cross that gumdrop bridge when we come to it.”

As of press time, Netflix’s legal department confirmed that disputes over the show’s creative direction would be settled by rolling dice until someone cries.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.