World’s Most Boring Concert Sells Out in Germany

Sold-out crowds recently mobbed historic St. Burchardi Church in Germany to witness the most uneventful concert of the millennium, and no, we’re not talking about Nickelback. The concert’s headliner is a self-playing organ belting out John Cage’s infamous, “As Slow as Possible,” a piece so sluggish audiences will literally die waiting for it to finish. The current performance began in 2001 and will continue for another 617 years. Talk about a slow burn!

The song, officially titled “Organ²/ASLSP” (As Slow as Possible) or more commonly known on the streets as, “The Song That Never Ends (John’s Version)” is the brainchild of American avant-garde composer and legendary bad boy, John Cage.

Each cord change is an epic event, drawing fans of glacially paced music and tedium from around the globe. The crowd went wild (or as wild as one can go while contemplating the vastness of eternity) for the most recent chord change on February 5th, 2024, the first in two years.

“I was shaking, crying, throwing up with excitement,” said one enthusiastic fan, who spent a mere $215 on a front-row seat.

“It was the musical equivalent of watching paint dry, I still have goosebumps,” said another groupie who threw her panties on stage hoping to catch the organ’s attention.

So, what’s next for composer John Cage? When asked about the possibility of an encore, the experimental songster has remained notoriously tightlipped, as he has been dead since 1992. 

Wanna know how it ends? Organ-heads who plan on escaping death can even secure a “Final Ticket,” to experience the grand finale (featuring Cher) on September 4, 2640, through Ticketmaster’s new “Cryogenic Freeze and Reawaken” package.