Deli Counter Names Burger “Death by Chicken,” Regrets To Inform You They Weren’t Kidding

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

RANGIORA, New Zealand — The Ministry for Primary Industries has recalled a chicken burger named Death by Chicken on the grounds that it may cause death by chicken. The burger, assembled in-store at Pak’n Save Rangiora and sold in a paper tray under plastic film, may contain undercooked chicken, making it the first product in the ministry’s history to be pulled from shelves for accuracy.

The recall covers burgers packed on 8 June with a use-by date of 11 June. Undercooked chicken can carry Campylobacter, a bacterium that delivers fever, cramps, and three days of private reflection about a $9 deli purchase and your personal life choices. So far, the ministry reports no associated illness, which leaves Death by Chicken zero for zero on its overtly stated objective. “There have been no reports of associated illness, however if you have consumed any this product and have any concerns about your health, seek medical advice,” the ministry wrote, in a sentence whose grammar also appears to have been pulled before it was fully cooked.

The ministry also recalled the store’s Chicken Katsu Garden Salad, sold in a clear plastic punnet and built on the same possibly undercooked chicken but with none of the blunt disclosure, a detail that separates the two products morally but not ethically. A customer who buys Death by Chicken has read and understood the terms. A customer who buys a garden salad believes she is making the responsible choice, and the responsible choice in Rangiora this week came with katsu.

Affected customers are asked to check the date marks, not eat the products, and return them to the store at 2 Southbrook Road for a full refund, or, failing that, throw them out. The notice treats “failing that” as a live scenario in which a person can locate a supermarket but not a trash can. Anyone with further questions can phone the deli directly on 03 311 8636, although the ministry offers no script for that conversation, and there is no polite way to ask a deli counter why it named a burger Death by Chicken and then undercooked it.

MPI confirmed the products have not been exported. The ministry includes that line in every recall notice as routine paperwork, but here it reads as containment policy: the Death by Chicken stays onshore, behind the biosecurity perimeter, with the other things New Zealand has decided the world is not ready for. The Rangiora deli is also a repeat correspondent of the national food safety system, having previously recalled its made-in-store Double Pepperoni and BBQ Chicken and Bacon pizzas. Foodstuffs, the cooperative that owns Pak’n Save, has been approached for comment and has so far provided none.

No other made-in-store products are affected. Whatever the deli has named the pork remains on sale. Both the recall and the burger expire on Thursday, 11 June, at which point the matter resolves itself, and the only thing the Death by Chicken will have killed is three days of the ministry’s time.