Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Jesus tried so hard to show us that wine was the way to go – the sacrilege of this restaurant! (Krakenimages/depositphotos)
If there’s one type of establishment where you’d think the ownership, management, and chef might be a bit snooty, “French restaurant” would come to mind, oui? With their escargot, quiche, baguettes, and onion soup, you can almost taste the pretentiousness, although it tastes like lots of butter. And then there’s your wine sommelier, offering pairings of sauvignon blanc with, like, a walnut, that’s supposed to make your palate explode. Well, things are about to get worse, much worse, as UK eatery La Popote has just unveiled a water menu.
La Popote already has a robust wine menu, with 140 different varieties, but the owners have expanded into H2O, offering three different bottles of the still stuff and four bottles of sparkling if you’re feeling spicy. The offerings range from $6.80 a bottle all the way up to $26 for The Palace of Vidago, a Portuguese sparkling water that we’re pretty sure still tastes like water.. Oh yeah, and if you’re on a budget while at a French restaurant in the UK, there’s also tap water, which, unlike the rest of those, is free.
The restaurant was suckered into this convinced to offer a water menu by Doran Binder, a “water sommelier.” Does this make them the most gullible restaurant owners ever? Perhaps, but there is a shred of sense to the whole thing. CNN reports that a 2024 Gallup poll showed just 58% of adult Americans drink alcohol, down from 67% in 2022. And apparently the trend is continuing downwards, for some reason. This may not change until people realize that getting drunk is a great way to temporarily forget about your problems, and things aren’t getting any better.
At any rate, Binder was certified as a water sommelier by the Fine Water Company, a place that apparently exists. You, too, can pay $2,200 to become one and impress your friends. And by that, we mean probably lose every single one of them after telling them that their tap water tastes “earthy, with a hint of fluoride and lead.” The sommelier, who supplied La Popote with their “house water” brand, Crag Spring Water, badgered its owners, chef Joseph Rawlins and partner Gaëlle Radigon, for three years before they decided to run with it.
If this takes off, it’s just the tip of the iceberg (which is another serving suggestion of the stuff) for water. Imagine going to a water pairing, where it’s paired with other things that taste like nothing, such as rice cakes. Or maybe an ice cube with tofu. The possibilities are endless, and also bland as hell. And it’ll be near impossible to get comped anything if you complain about your drink being watered down.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
