Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

So what are your plans for National Maple Syrup Day? Are you taking the day off because you’re a sentimental sap? Headed to Canada to the motherland? Slathering yourself in the sweet, sweet maple-y goodness and rolling around in powdered sugar? Or are you going to head to Denny’s to pick up a Grand Slam and top off your pancakes and sausage with some syrup? You could do even better than that by picking up some limited-edition Sticky Kicks, a pair of Grand Slam-inspired sneakers that actually contain maple syrup.

Ugly? Yes, but also impractical! (Dinerdrip.com)

Wait, you didn’t know that December 17th is National Maple Syrup Day? Have you been living under a rock? Or just far enough away from Vermont that the news travels slowly, like sap coming from a tapped maple tree? Even if you’re unaware, the fine folks at Denny’s know. And they didn’t let it go to their heads – in fact, it went straight to their feet. Visitors to DinerDrip.com will be able to pick up a pair of Denny’s sneakers for only $195, which is about the equivalent of 20 Grand Slams. 

Denny’s Sticky Kicks were designed by Mache, which probably means something to you if you collect footwear to display and not wear. And yes, they contain maple syrup. What do they look like, you might ask? Well, check the picture above, but if you’re listening to this article in an audio format, imagine the Denny’s logo: Tacky, bright yellow with red highlights, and some brown thrown in there to represent syrup. And also a few clear plastic slots on each shoe, filled with real maple syrup.

“Sticky Kicks are impractical, unnecessary, and completely over the top, which is exactly why we love them,” Denny’s SVP/chief brand officer Ellie Doty said in what was either the high point or low point of her career. “At Denny’s, syrup isn’t just something we serve. It’s part of who we are. It’s our golden thread. So, it only makes sense we’d be the first to turn it into fashion.”

If you're going to step on pancakes, these would be the shoes to do it in. (Dinerdrip.com)

As a child, you’re often told not to play with your food, but these look like basketball shoes, so that might not apply here as you’re going hard in the paint with them. And people might laugh when they see you wearing shoes with a Denny’s logo (and laugh and laugh and laugh), but that derision will turn into jealousy once they run out of Mrs. Butterworth’s and suddenly realize that you’re the man. Speaking of men, if you’re a female with small feet, you’re out of luck because they’re only available in men’s sizes 8-13.

But if you plan on capping off your game of hoops by throwing back some of the sweet treat from your feet, you’re also out of luck. The press release warns, “Do not puncture the shoes or eat the syrup from the shoes for any reason. These drips are for style only, so leave it that way.” A corporation telling you not to eat something didn’t work out so well for Tide, but these will hopefully be limited edition enough so that only the dumbest of hypebeasts would shell out $200 to prove Denny’s wrong. 

If you want to be on the sticky side of history and are that much of a syrup, Denny’s, or sneaker aficionado that you actually want to pick up a pair, become a Denny’s rewards member to have access an hour before they go on sale at Noon EST on the 17th. If you’re a normal person who doesn’t have $195 burning a hole in your pocket, just buy some syrup and pour it on your Chuck Taylors in commemoration of the holiday.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.