Take Me Out to the Meatball Game: The Newest Major League Ballpark Feasts

Baseball season is in full swing, and one of the traditions of the game is the food: peanuts, crackerjacks, and hot dogs. Plus, for non-abstaining adults, no ballpark outing is complete without a beer more expensive than the gas it took to drive to the ballpark (you may as well buy one since concessions can’t give you a water bottle with a cap, which could be used as a weapon—though personally, we find it grossly unfair that all sports and concert events should be affected by something that obviously happened at a National Hockey League game).

This year, epicurean Major League Baseball fans have the chance to try new, decadent snacks as they roll out at stadiums across the country for America’s pastime: Giving ourselves severe cardiovascular disease. 

First up, the Atlanta Braves present “The 4-bagger”: Four burgers, a pound of barbecue brisket,  jalapeños, reaper pepper mayo, cheese, and fried-to-perfection onion rings.

Next, a double play of hot dogs that even “the godfather of competitive eating” Takeru Kobayashi might find intimidating: The Pittsburgh Pirates’ “Renegade Hot Dog” includes pot roast, mini pierogies, caramelized onions and pickle slices, while Oriole Park at Camden Yards serves up the “Warehouse Dog,” a 12-inch hot dog with horseradish-infused brick sauce [what does that mean?? —Ed.], pit beef queso fundido, pickled pico, and onions on a pretzel bun. This big banger is named for the B&O railroad warehouse fans can revere at the ballpark, where the team’s management offices and dugout store are located. Did they even bother with a brainstorming meeting?

In any event, the Minnesota Twins might not be the only team with a lucky sausage.

The New York Yankees have new milkshakes in their lineup: Butterfinger, Rainbow Vanilla, Baby Ruth, and Black & White Cookie (all 4 are “pinstriped,” so obviously, they’re slimming—don’t even think about fact-checking us).

The Texas Rangers’ food roster now has meatball garlic knots with marinara sauce. Is this a baseball game in Dallas or my cousin’s wedding in central New Jersey? In either case, if you’re looking for us, we’re probably wherever these are being served.

On the other hand, we’re giving a bye to the Kansas City Royals’ callup of “Back to Blue Burgers,” served literally on bright blue buns, which we’re sure absolutely no one in the kitchen or the stands is using for physical comedy bits (to great effect).

In a backdoor slider, the Florida Marlins skipped coming up with a signature dish and instead will let fans try all their offerings with a new All-You-Can-Eat ticket, serving unlimited access to dogs (both hot and chili), burgers, nachos, popcorn, peanuts, cookies, and non-alcoholic drinks. That’s a ballgame that might take us out.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we think it’s time we took an investigative road trip in the name of sports journalism (and pitch a food column to our bosses).