31-Year-Old Baby Born in Ohio

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

In a medical achievement that’s either miraculous or a deleted subplot from Back to the Future IV: Fertility Drift, a baby boy named Thaddeus Daniel Pierce was born in Ohio using an embryo frozen back in 1994. Which means a literal Blockbuster-era blastocyst has finally paid off, and somewhere, a Tamagotchi just started weeping.

His parents, Tim and Lindsey Pierce, say they simply wanted a baby, not a Guinness World Record. But records were broken anyway, and Thaddeus is now officially the oldest newborn in recorded history, narrowly edging out your weird Uncle Greg’s “NFT startup.”

The embryo was originally created by Linda Archerd and her now-ex-husband after a failed quest to conceive the old-fashioned way. They ended up with four embryos, one of which became a functioning adult with a mortgage and student loan debt, while the other three chilled in a freezer longer than most Arby’s franchises last.

After her divorce, Archerd gained custody of the embryos in what has to be the strangest legal fight since Florida Man sued to marry his iPad. She eventually “adopted” one of the leftover frosty fetus-pops to a couple who fit her preference: white, Christian, and probably not the type to ask too many questions about whether “adopted embryo” sounds suspiciously like “Clone Wars: Prologue.”

Dr. John Gordon, the physician who handled the procedure and part-time Presbyterian science fiction villain, insists every embryo “deserves a chance at life.” He then adjusted his monocle and told reporters, “…and they must be implanted before the prophecy is fulfilled.” Followed by rolling thunder that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.  

Not to be outdone, Archerd compared baby Thaddeus to her now 30-year-old daughter, claiming they look identical as babies. She’s probably right, all babies look vaguely like melted potatoes. But this time, the potato was frozen for one year for each flavor at Baskin-Robbins. And it’s hard to believe anyone would order a scoop of Baby Potato Sherbert, even to win a bet.  

Meanwhile, Lindsey described the birth as “rough,” which, yeah, you try ejecting something that’s been in storage since O.J. was doing Hertz commercials. But all is well now: mother and son are fine, baby is “chill,” and the nursery has been outfitted with vintage wallpaper that smells like a 1995 RadioShack.

The Pierces haven’t ruled out unfreezing more embryos, though they’d like to wait until the world is slightly less on fire. Until then, Thaddeus will just have to carry the burden of being a baby conceived back when dial-up was still a thing and Blade Runner was still just a hypothetical future. Therapy’s going to be weird.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.