Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

The Food and Drug Administration has bravely stepped in to warn Americans not to eat certain Great Value brand frozen shrimp from Walmart because the shrimp might contain Cesium-137, a radioactive isotope usually found in fallout zones, nuclear meltdowns, and The Hulk’s breakfast smoothie.

You can tell it's radioactive by the black look of despair in their eyes. Or is that just all shrimp? (piyaphunjun/depositphotos)

Cesium-137 is a radioactive isotope best known for its cameo in Fallout 3 as “that thing you pick up right before dying.”

The shrimp, imported from Indonesia by a company called BMS Foods (which definitely doesn’t stand for “Blatantly Mutated Seafood”), set off radiation detectors at four separate U.S. ports. This was dismissed initially as “just shrimp being shrimp.” That is, until several workers reported nosebleeds, glowing nostrils, and vivid dreams about joining the crustacean rebellion.

The FDA’s Official Line is “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Shrimp’thulhu Walmart R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.” Which roughly translates to: “All hail the sparkly shrimp, which shall consume the world in nuclear fire.”

Nonetheless, the FDA is recommending you throw away the following batches:

– Great Value raw frozen shrimp with lot codes 8005538-1 through 8005540-1

– Anything that hums when you open the freezer

– Anything labeled “Best by: 3/15/2027” with an asterisk next to “Best”

The FDA reassured the public that no radioactive shrimp has entered the U.S. food supply. Meanwhile, at least three Walmart shoppers already reported that the “new spicy flavor” was the best thing they’d tasted since the Dollar Tree glass-flavored coffee recall.

What happens if you eat it? Symptoms range from “mild nausea” to “glowing brighter than the look on grandma’s face when you explain what ‘OnlyFans’ is. One Arkansas man said the shrimp gave him “the power to microwave pizza rolls just by staring at them,” which admittedly is far more useful than his GED ever will be.

To be fair, it's hard to tell just by looking whether they're frozen or cooked. They look quite unappetizing either way. (Yonkoluffy/pizzapedia)

Walmart shoppers, however, aren’t fazed. “Tastes like Red Lobster but cheaper,” said one, polishing off a family-size bag. “Besides, we already drink tap water that makes our hair fall out. What’s a little shrimp radiation?”

The FDA insists they’ll keep monitoring the situation, which is Washington-speak for “we’ll wait until one crawls up the Potomac and eats a senator.”

Until then, the shrimp recall continues. Best by date: 3/15/2027. Worst by date: yesterday.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.