Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Eric Poulin of Nova Scotia, Canada, has a rare disease known as “auto-brewery syndrome.” Despite what it sounds like, “auto-brewery syndrome” is not a condition that affects men in their thirties with a sudden penchant for making their own IPAs. Unless you count brewing them in their stomachs.
You see, Eric’s gut biome produces too much ethanol, which means he can become drunk without ingesting any alcohol. All that may sound like the Midas Touch to a frat bro looking for a free drink, but for this father of five, it’s been nothing short of a nightmare.
Auto-brewery syndrome gives “beer belly” an entirely new meaning. (Elnur_/depositphotos)
Eric says that his “whole world has been flipped upside-down by this,” and not in the fun keg stand sort of way. As he describes it, “I’d have the kids tell me things happened, that I was crying and saying I was going to die… I don’t remember any of it.” Clearly, Eric’s not exactly a happy drunk. Either that, or his stomach also produces bad LSD trips.
CBC reports that “Poulin’s symptoms, which can include slurred speech, smelling like alcohol, and impaired cognition, often emerge unpredictably.” Unlike my symptoms, which occur predictably after I’ve had one too many BuzzBallz.
Eric’s condition has made it nearly impossible for him to hold a job. After all, you try telling HR that you might get involuntarily sloshed at any moment, and that everything that happens after that at the office Christmas party is out of your control.
According to the Cleveland Clinic, there are fewer than 100 known cases of auto-brewery syndrome, which means research is limited. That hasn’t stopped doctors from searching for treatments, from low-carb diets to antifungal medication, none of which have effectively sobered up Eric. His team even looked into something called a “fecal microbiota transplant,” in which Eric ingests feces from a healthy donor via a capsule. To be fair, someone else’s poop would not be the worst thing I’ve consumed while drunk.
