Moron Discovers Entirely New Way To Detach a Retina: With a Massage Gun

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

EDINBURGH, Scotland — Eye specialists in Scotland say they have identified a previously undocumented form of retinal trauma after a young man spent several months applying a percussive massage gun directly to his eyeballs.

The patient, a man in his twenties, arrived at an Edinburgh eye clinic complaining of floaters, flashing lights, and other vision problems. Doctors initially suspected a conventional injury, but further examination revealed extensive retinal damage in both eyes, including multiple tears, bruising, and a retinal break normally associated with significant blunt-force trauma. 

After further questioning, the patient admitted he had been using a massage gun directly on and around both eyes every week for roughly three months. He had been attempting to relieve “eye fatigue.” He failed.  

Officials confirmed that eye fatigue is a real condition. They further confirmed, however, that hammering your eyes repeatedly with a massage gun is not the way to deal with it.

In what doctors described as an unusual finding, the resulting injury pattern differed from the retinal damage normally seen after being punched in the face. Which means the patient succeeded in pioneering an entirely new category of preventable stupidity for future medical textbooks.

The discovery has prompted concern among ophthalmologists, who were previously operating under the assumption that most adults outside of Florida were smarter than this. When asked for comment, they said, “No, Seriously, Stop That. WTF were you thinking.”