Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
A big ol' pile of diabetes. (eranicle/depositphotos)
An international study of over 4 million people has determined that cannabis users are nearly four times as likely to develop type 2 diabetes within five years. Researchers spent years sifting through medical data, only to conclude that eating six sleeves of Oreos while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze might not be the healthiest lifestyle choice.
Dr. Ibrahim Kamel, who was clearly not invited to Burning Man, led the study. “We’re seeing a strong correlation between cannabis use and developing diabetes,” Kamel said, adding that they also noticed a marked increase in patients asking if vending machines count as cardio.
While cannabis has previously been studied for its potential anti-inflammatory and weight management benefits, this new analysis suggests it might be less “wellness” and more “Wilford Brimley.” Scientists suspect insulin resistance may be at play, though the “eating your body weight in Doritos Locos Tacos” factor remains under investigation.
After adjusting for lifestyle factors like cholesterol, alcohol use, and whether you consider pizza a food group, the results were clear: weed users were four times more likely to develop diabetes within five years. That’s the same time frame most of them would need to finish one game of Skyrim.
Hello Elder Scrolls, goodbye life… (e3check/depositphotos)
Results showed cannabis users developed diabetes at a rate of 2.2%, compared with 0.6% of non-users. Statisticians said this proves the connection is “highly significant,” though they giggled for three minutes after using the word “high.”
Meanwhile, experts remain split on whether edibles are more or less dangerous than smoking. “Depends if you eat one gummy or all of them including the packaging,” said one doctor as he stared into the middle distance.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
