Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Chevron’s president of downstream operations, Andy Walz, told CBS News this week that Americans struggling with gas prices should “try to drive less” and “conserve energy.” Walz offered this guidance from inside a company that returned $27.1 billion to shareholders in 2025 and awarded its CEO, Michael Wirth, a compensation package exceeding $30 million. Gas is $4.16 a gallon nationally and $5.92 in California. Walz makes more money before lunch than most Americans spend on gas in a year, but he wants you to know that conservation is important. Specifically, that you personally do the conserving.
Who needs cars when you have feet? (jetcityimage2/depositphotos)
Walz acknowledged there is “probably no silver bullet” to bring down prices, a statement that is technically correct in the same way that telling someone their house is on fire and suggesting they wear a lighter jacket is technically advice. Brent crude has nearly doubled since the war with Iran began in February and Iran choked off the Strait of Hormuz, which carries roughly a fifth of the world’s oil supply. Chevron’s stock has tracked accordingly. The company spent $2.16 million lobbying against renewable energy standards, electric vehicle mandates, and climate legislation in Q1 2025 alone. Then they sent a executive to go on television to tell the rest of us to “walk more.”
He also warned that other countries “can’t get” crude, “can’t refine it,” and “can’t make the products people need.” Several nations in Asia are running out of fuel entirely. Walz described this as “a real problem” and “a big worry,” which is oil executive for “we’re making so much goddamn money right now.”
The last time oil companies posted profits this large while advising consumers to simply use less of their product was the Iraq War, which also featured a Strait-related supply crisis, record executive compensation, absolutely no one at a congressional hearing using the phrase “price gouging,” and zero legal consequence for anyone. Chevron has pledged to continue monitoring the situation closely, which in practice means setting hundred-dollar bills on fire, and has not announced any plans to lower prices, increase refinery output, or stop paying their CEO the annual GDP of a small Pacific island nation.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
