Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
In less than six months, it will be five years since Russia invaded Ukraine. In a story that absolutely doesn’t have any parallel over here, Russian President Vladimir Putin seemed to think that it would be relatively easy to declare war on a country, come in and get what they were after, and declare victory. However, although much smaller and with less weaponry, Ukraine has dug in, fought back, and adapted, leading to a conflict with no sign of being resolved any time soon. Morale is down in Russia, so President Putin is trying to raise it the best way possible, by sending fragments of a dead Russian soldier to the front lines.
“You’ve gotta hand it to them,” might be what the Russian leader thought, mainly because what he’s sending to the front lines are bone fragments of the sword hand of a medieval Prince. Grand Prince Dmitry Donskoy helped defeat the Mongol Golden Horde at the 1380 Battle of Kulikovo. Although Golden Horde sounds like a restaurant with a solid buffet, over in the Soviet Union, their defeat of the Mongols is one of the key parts of Russian history that led them where they are today – in a long and protracted war with a country that they’re not winning.
Dmitry Donsky, looking like he was just told his remains would be shown to other soldiers in another 600-odd years. (Public Domain)
The Grand Prince’s sarcophagus was found this past Summer during renovation work at Moscow’s Cathedral of the Archangel inside the Kremlin. No one knows why it lay around collecting dust for 600-plus years before being uncovered, and, knowing Russia, they probably wouldn’t tell us even if they did know. Putin had a chance to inspect the remains, which were described as “well-preserved.” Donskoy was named a saint in 1988, which must have been a little difficult given that his remains were missing at the time.
After Putin gave a thumbs-up to the remains, the Russian Orthodox Church decided to send a thumb – and then some – of the Prince’s right hand to Donetsk, one of the four Ukrainian regions Russia is trying to say they now own. They got a little weird with it, with the Moscow Patriarchate of the Russian Orthodox Church stating that the hand fragment, held in a small casket beneath toughened glass, is standing with Russian troops, which we guess would make it a handstand.
“A fragment of the Grand Prince’s right hand – the very same right hand with which he wielded his sword on Kulikovo Field – has been sent to the front to strengthen the soldiers’ spirits,” a statement said. Since being rediscovered, Russians have been having a field day with the remains, which may have something to do with a parliamentary election later this month. This past weekend, they paraded the remains through the streets of Moscow in an Orthodox procession. On September 8th at a WWII ceremony in Donetsk, various leaders kissed the remains, which seems a little unsanitary at best and more than a little creepy.
The relic will be displayed to Russian combat units along the front lines of Donetsk, which is more than 600 miles long. “This is great,” a Russian soldier probably said. “This guy fought in a war over 600 years ago, so his body could be misplaced for centuries. Then they find it and his hand gets chopped off and thrown in a glass casket to inspire us. And not only am I getting a good look at it, but so is that Ukrainian drone up ahead that’s getting clo…”
