Gianni Infantino To Award First FIFA Peace Prize in December

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Soccer’s governing body, FIFA, announced Wednesday it will award an annual peace prize, because “organization under perpetual investigation for corruption” was getting too long for business cards. The organization, famous for transparent and scandal-free operations, said the prize will honor those who bring people together, specifically the people with signing authority over international broadcasting contracts. Insiders say “Peace Prize” was a title workshopped between “This Is An Overt Bribe” and “Please Stop Asking About Migrant Worker Deaths Medal.” 

FIFA President Gianni Infantino, speaking at the America Business Forum in Miami shortly after President Donald Trump addressed the same event, would not confirm whether Trump will receive the inaugural award. “On the 5th of December, you will see,” Infantino said, deploying the verbal equivalent of a wink so aggressive it legally qualifies as assault in three counties. It was a statement that technically contained words but conveyed the informational value of a foghorn in a snowstorm.

Infantino explained that “in an increasingly unsettled and divided world, it’s fundamental to recognize the outstanding contribution of those who work hard to end conflicts.” Infantino did not specify which conflicts, whether FIFA’s ongoing legal challenges counted, or if “ending conflicts” included “paying people to stop talking,” though his eyes suggested he was considering all options. 

“He says, actually, what many people think as well, but maybe don’t dare to say,” Infantino added, stopping just short of “and that’s why we’re friends” before his publicist could tackle him.

FIFA officials later clarified that “unsettled” refers to “bad” and “divided” means “also bad,” while “recognize” means “give an award at a televised event.” Infantino did not address FIFA’s only contribution to global unity, which is uniting 211 nations in collective confusion about its accounting practices.

Staff members later confirmed Infantino developed this concern about an unsettled and divided world sometime between Tuesday evening and Wednesday morning, possibly during a phone call with someone who kept saying “just give me a Peace Prize.”

FIFA recently deepened ties with the Trump family by appointing Ivanka Trump to oversee a $100 million education initiative financed through World Cup ticket revenue. The role requires no background in education, sports administration, or international development, though applicants must demonstrate “connections to individuals we recently praised in Miami.” FIFA said more than 600 people applied, though only one was actually Ivanka Trump.

Infantino estimated the December 5th event will reach 1 billion global viewers, making it roughly as watched as “that thing you leave on in the background while doing laundry.” FIFA anticipates strong engagement from audiences in “countries where sports are televised” and “places with televisions,” which preliminary research suggests is “most places.”

FIFA will present the award “on behalf of fans from all around the world,” a spokesman said, clarifying that no fans were actually involved in this decision or even notified that it was happening. When journalists contacted actual World Cup supporters, they expressed preferences for FIFA to address “basically anything else,” offering helpful suggestions like “finish just one investigation before instigating six more.”

The organization will stage the ceremony in the nation’s capital, offering attendees champagne, hors d’oeuvres, and the opportunity for rich people to be photographed near important people. The evening’s playlist will feature songs selected for their “upbeat tempo” and “complete lack of Shakira and/or references to financial irregularities,” according to the event coordinator’s 47-page music clearance document.

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