Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
WASHINGTON — The Department of War welcomed Logan and Jake Paul to the Pentagon “to meet with our warriors.” They toured the Pentagon, visited the 9/11 memorial, and met with Pete Hegseth and Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent. Deputy Pentagon Press Secretary Joel Valdez said the department was “grateful for their visit and continued support of our military.” Task & Purpose reports the brothers covered their own transportation costs. Nobody asked, but they’d like you to know.
(Reddit)(Reddit)
Jake Paul told the assembled service members, “Each one of you matter. Take this moment and be proud of yourselves for what you do.” He also offered other generic platitudes, such as, “This is the greatest country in the world, truly. We are blessed to be born here.” Paul, 29, is a former Disney Channel actor from Bizaardvark and current professional boxer whose most recent fight ended with Anthony Joshua breaking his jaw. Jake previously settled Securities and Exchange Commission charges for promoting cryptocurrencies without disclosing he was paid by them to do it. So when Jake Paul tells you that you matter, know that he might be doing it for an undisclosed amount of fake computer money.
Logan Paul, 31, is a podcaster and WWE performer, but recently suffered a triceps injury that will prevent him from being able to fake-fight/hug another man wearing tights until at least November. For no reason whatsoever, in January 2019, he announced on his own podcast that his New Year’s resolution was to “go gay for just one month.” Logan once filmed a dead body in Japan’s Aokigahara forest and put it on YouTube. Career arcs are strange things.
The brothers’ reality series Paul American has a 2.8 rating on IMDb and is described as neither renewed nor canceled by HBO Max, which coincidentally matches the status of Hegseth’s job.
Trump told a rally in Kentucky this past March that Jake Paul would be “running for political office” in the not-too-distant future and that he had “my complete and total endorsement.” To date, no one has said which office specifically. It’s early. His jaw needs to heal first.
