Kim Jong Un Declares War on Un-Socialist Breast Implants

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

North Korea has reportedly declared cosmetic surgery to be an “anti-socialist act,” launching a sweeping crackdown on women suspected of sporting “capitalist breast implants.” Citizens suggested maybe food shortages were the bigger problem, but it’s not like anyone asks them for their opinion. Kim Jong Un’s security services are now conducting undercover sting operations against doctors who use contraband silicone smuggled in from China. The announcement ended with a stern warning: don’t bring your bourgeois bazongas into the People’s Republic.

The trial of one such rogue doctor was held in the Sariwon Cultural Hall, which is usually reserved for riveting performances like Accordion Songs About Potatoes, Volume III. Instead, the audience was treated to a courtroom drama in which a dropout-turned-boob-mechanic was displayed alongside two twenty-somethings whose crime was wanting shirts to fit better. The prosecutor denounced the women as corrupted by “rotten capitalist customs,” while a bailiff paraded the confiscated silicone like it was a victory parade float. The event drew more attention than last year’s cultural festival, which, to be fair, was just a guy reading Das Kapital backwards for six hours.

The government has officially deputized “tit detectives.” Yes, that’s now a job title. Kim’s new policy is straightforward: if your figure noticeably changes, your neighborhood watch captain is now authorized to point and yell, “enhanced!” before marching you to a hospital exam table. “Nothing says socialism like mandatory breast inspections,” one witness muttered before disappearing mysteriously the next day.

Agents pretend to want implants to catch doctors, because few things scream, “commitment to socialism” louder than state employees role-playing as hot girls. It’s basically “21 Jump Street” but with fewer credits and more state-sanctioned grope sessions. Women now live in fear of being hauled in for “un-socialist curves,” leading many to adopt emergency strategies such as hunching, layering coats, or just loudly declaring, “these are state-issued.”

Experts called it another example of Pyongyang’s repression. Somewhere in East Germany, the Stasi are yelling, “Too far, guys!” 

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.