Officials Confirm Odd U.S. Strategy for Acquiring Greenland

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

NUUK, Greenland — Greenlanders spent much of the past spring attempting to determine whether the United States was conducting a serious geopolitical campaign, or if they had just sent several mentally-ill weirdos to wander around town and talk nonsense.

The confusion began when multiple American officials, activists, influencers, donors, consultants, podcasters, and at least one man dressed like a motorcycle-themed substitute history teacher arrived to geopoliticsplain to locals in Greenland that they actually wanted to become part of America. This came as news to Greenlanders, who already know all about the American healthcare system, which in and of itself is a complete non-starter.

The public face of the effort soon emerged in the form of Chris Cox, founder of Bikers for Trump, who can best be described as, “What if foreign policy was managed by the guy selling fireworks in a gas-station parking lot?” Cox spent several days wandering Nuuk, assuring Greenlanders they were not gazelles being stalked by a tiger, a metaphor many residents later described as “somewhat creepy and also very unhelpful.” He also explained that much of Greenland was living in the Stone Age, a statement that locals agreed was somewhat off-putting.

Undeterred, Cox reportedly returned to Washington to brief lawmakers on conditions in Greenland. Again, this is a man whose primary qualification was owning a leather vest with a presidential patch on it. That he himself sewed on there. Or ironed on, if he bought the patch off Temu.

A broader, dumber influence campaign ensued. Polls emerged showing Greenlanders loved America, followed almost immediately by other polls showing they absolutely did not. One survey suggested a majority favored joining the United States. Another suggested the first survey had been assembled using a sample size of three guys paid in free beer.

Meanwhile, American commentators began describing Greenland as a treasure chest overflowing with minerals, strategic value, and limitless wealth. Others claimed young Greenlanders were eager to rebel against Denmark and embrace prosperity, despite having learned most of what they knew from one night in a hotel bar talking to regulars who were mainly just trying to wind them up.

The Danes, meanwhile, found themselves trapped in the diplomatic equivalent of discovering your neighbor is planning to build his new garden shed in your backyard. As tensions escalated, military planners reportedly began considering contingencies. A geopolitical crisis was unfolding because the dumbest President that America has ever elected kept staring at a map and saying, “Yeah, but what if it was ours?”

Taub’s original article is a must-read, but one of the best buried ledes comes to us via Tom Dans, who was appointed by Trump as chair of the United States Arctic Research Commission in December. “When I met him for lunch in Washington, earlier this year, he declined to speak further on the record, except to articulate a narrow, symbiotic vision for the future: ‘My view is that the United States could take all the seafood Greenland could produce, and cut out the middleman, and keep it from China—and you could bring back all-you-can-eat shrimp at Red Lobster.’” The best part: Red Lobster already brought back all-you-can-eat shrimp. Whether this should be seen as a precursor to future military action remains unknown, but the situation is so stupid that literally any dumb thing is possible.  

Today, Greenland remains Greenland. Most residents continue to oppose annexation. The United States continues to possess the military access it already had. And a remarkable number of people have built careers around pretending these facts are merely temporary obstacles.