Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
Vladimir Putin voted online in Russia’s parliamentary elections on Friday. The real news, however, is that the Kremlin released footage of Putin “using” a Dell laptop running an unactivated copy of Windows 11. For what it’s worth, activating Windows 11 costs $139. Russia’s annual defense budget is north of $150 billion.
Somewhere, a Russian IT administrator just felt a disturbance in the force. (IMGUR)Somewhere, a Russian IT administrator just felt a disturbance in the force. (IMGUR)
Both Microsoft and Dell stopped selling to Russia in 2022. The Russian government meanwhile requires government officials to use Russian software whenever possible and has also barred any use of foreign software in critical infrastructure as of January 2025. There are several other operating systems developed by Russian companies, but Putin apparently prefers using unregistered Windows 11, which is quite possibly a damning indictment of the entire Russian tech sector.
Putin, 73, is shown squinting and leaning toward the monitor before clicking his choice, then says, “You can’t go wrong.” This is true in the same way that it’s impossible to lose a game of solitaire to yourself playing with a stacked deck in a locked room. Putin then verbally thanked the computer. The computer did not respond. It’s unclear whether this surprised Putin or not.
The Russian election itself is going about how you’d expect it to go. Ynet reports that in Ufa observers were offered vodka, presumably so they could then be removed for drinking on the job. In Kirov, two candidates simply weren’t on the ballot, which officials called a “technical error,” a phrase that in Russia covers everything from a typo to falling out of a window. In Yakutsk, teachers were instructed to report whether their students’ parents had voted. Typical democracy stuff.
By noon Friday, Moscow’s online turnout was reported at roughly 100x its 2021 level, while physical polling stations in the capital reported zero voters. Not low. Zero. Donetsk, meanwhile, claimed about 75 percent of its million-plus voters had already voted early, between August 30 and September 17, which is an impressive turnout for a region in a war zone that is actively on fire.
Russia built its own operating systems. Putin chose the one with the watermark. (Russian State Media)Russia built its own operating systems. Putin chose the one with the watermark. (Russian State Media)
It should be said that a Microsoft activation watermark doesn’t technically prove piracy, although the involvement of anything Russian strongly implies it. It’s more likely that all of this is elaborately staged, and that the only authentic parts of this story are that a 73-year-old needs to squint to read a screen and thinks Dell laptops can hear him talk to them.
