Pyongyang Adopts Mandatory Automatic Nuclear Retaliation Policy After Watching Iran’s Khamenei Get Epic Fury’d

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

PYONGYANG — The Supreme People’s Assembly has formally amended North Korea’s constitution to require an automatic nuclear strike in the event that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is assassinated, incapacitated, or is otherwise removed by foreign powers.

The revised Article 3 stipulates that if the nuclear command-and-control system is endangered by hostile forces, “a nuclear strike shall be launched automatically and immediately,” a phrase South Korean intelligence officials confirmed translates, with some loss of nuance, as “everyone dies, no take-backs.”

The amendment was reportedly prompted by the recent assassination of Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei during the joint US-Israeli operation code-named, with absolute sincerity, “Epic Fury.” Khamenei’s son, the new Ayatollah, could not be reached for comment because the US and Israel are still actively trying to kill him, a fate Kim Jong-un is apparently eager to avoid. And given how things have been going since 2025, he probably should be worried.

Pyongyang analysts said the constitutional change formalizes a doctrine that had previously existed only informally. The mechanism mirrors the Soviet-era “Dead Hand” system, in which a series of automated triggers would launch nuclear weapons if Russian leadership were eliminated. Sergei, 76, half-deaf, opening mail with a spoon in Khimki, confirmed his cousin Pyotr drafted something similar in 1984 and is still owed seventeen rubles in royalties.

Professor Andrei Lankov of Kookmin University told reporters that Iran’s “remarkable efficiency” in losing most of its senior leadership had served as a wake-up call for Pyongyang. He used the word “remarkable” three times in under fourteen seconds.

Under the new framework, Kim retains personal authority over the nuclear arsenal as chairman of the State Affairs Commission, which is to say he still gets to push the button if he wants, but now the button also pushes itself if anything happens to the man who pushes the button. Officials described this as “redundancy.” The procedure for triggering the automatic launch was not disclosed. 

Kim Jong-un, who travels exclusively by armored train, avoids air travel, employs a personal food taster, and reportedly does not allow more than four other humans in any room he occupies, was described by state media as “remarkably approachable.” Meanwhile, analysts in Washington, Seoul, and Tokyo said the new constitutional provision represents a “significant escalation” and a “destabilizing development,” using the journalist’s traditional code for “we have run out of words to describe this.”