Red States Flood DC With More National Guard Troops No One Asked For

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Discount Mussolini, and current US President Donald Trump, has declared the capital city a “crime-infested wasteland run by Mad Max extras” and has flooded the streets of DC with National Guard troops, federal agents, and enough tactical gear to cosplay an entire G.I. Joe convention.

What prompted this military Mardi Gras? Mostly vibes. You see, despite data showing DC crime to be at an all-time low, Trump declared the city an anarchist hellscape based on a vague feeling he had after watching “The Purge” on basic cable. To reinforce his vision of the capital as “Escape from New York” but with more brunch options, Trump summoned over 800 National Guard troops to, as far as anyone can tell, walk around and “look busy”.

Then, over the weekend, three other red states decided it might be hilarious to dogpile DC as well. West Virginia, Ohio, and South Carolina enthusiastically volunteered their weekend warriors. When asked what they thought their mission was, several West Virginia Guard members stared blankly at reporters. One soldier from Ohio admitted, “Honestly, no idea. They just told us to get on a bus. I’m really excited to finally check out a Seahawks game, though.” Attempts to explain geography to him were unsuccessful.

If more red states continue to send National Guard troops, experts who are bad at math predict National Guard troops could comprise well over 100% of D.C.’s total population by mid-September, leading to a surprise invasion of Maryland, which everyone agrees was probably going to happen eventually anyway. Maryland knows what it did. 

The city’s actual residents responded with predictable skepticism. Saturday saw peaceful protest marches through Dupont Circle, with signs reading “Free D.C.”, “Stop Trying to Make Martial Law Happen,” and the increasingly popular “If Crime’s So Bad, How Come You’re Just Standing Around?”

In a related move, after last weekend’s sandwich-throwing incident, Subway is considering changing its corporate motto to “There’s more Sandwiches where that came from, fascists,” but only in DC. In the rest of the country, it will remain “Please stop making that one Jared Fogle footlong joke”.

Federal agents, meanwhile, spent the week standing awkwardly in tourist hotspots like the Lincoln Memorial and the Georgetown Cupcake line, looking like below-average dads trying to navigate a museum app. Some agents reportedly issued citations to joggers for “suspicious cardio.” 

In one incident, an officer attempted to commandeer a Segway tour but gave up after being told they’d have to wear a helmet shaped like Abraham Lincoln’s top hat in order to ride it.

Plans are currently underway to rename the city’s Washington Monument to “Operation Pointy Freedom Stick” in honor of its new military overlord, Sergeant Chad from Ohio.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.