Trump Honors Mothers by Taking a Nap

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

President Donald Trump fell asleep on camera Monday morning at a White House event meant to promote maternal health, dozing off in his Oval Office chair within seconds of finishing his own remarks. The event was the first item on his schedule. It began at 11 a.m.

Standing behind him were CMS Administrator Dr. Oz, Senator Katie Britt, philanthropist Olivia Walton, and a deputy assistant secretary for health whose name does not matter to the President, all gathered to launch Moms.gov. This initiative is the administration’s latest push to convince American women to produce more Americans to fight in forever wars and also to provide enough low-wage workers to allow billionaires to be able to afford larger yachts and penis-shaped rockets. The women smiled politely while the leader of the world’s largest economy dozed away behind a small wooden desk.

The pitch the women had come to deliver was that American mothers should commit to nine months of pregnancy, an indefinite term of physical recovery, and roughly two decades of unpaid labor on behalf of the country. The man delivering this pitch was unable to remain conscious through the first part of the press conference announcing it.

Last week, the President fell asleep while bragging to a group of children about classified Iran war plans. The week before that, witnesses say, he briefly nodded off mid-handshake. White House aides have declined to specify which items on the schedule the President is still considered awake for. Reporters have stopped asking.

“Trump is about to hit REM sleep on camera in the Oval,” posted journalist Aaron Rupar, in what is now the country’s most reliable presidential status update. Moms.gov is live, the President is probably still asleep, and the four women standing behind him have a much clearer sense of who is going to do the work.