Bless Me, Father, for I Have Listened: Catholic Church Defrocks Chatbot Priest After Unreliable Answers

Disclaimer: While we confess that this article is based on omniscient fact, it does come with a Hail Mary of satire.

A leading apologetics organization, Catholic Answers, programmed and launched an AI priest named “Father Justin” to inform visitors about Catholic doctrine. “Apologetics” doesn’t mean saying you’re sorry, though you probably knew that already since we’re talking about organized religion—it’s the branch of theology devoted to defending doctrine through argument and discussion.

Though Catholic Answers emphasized in its launch press release that Father Justin is not meant to replace human interaction, entrusting religious knowledge to a technology demonstrably not up to the task seems… entirely foreseeable. Even Siri has jokes about the pod bay doors!

Microsoft’s “Millennial” chatbot, Tay, deteriorated into a pro-Hitler misogynist account within 24 hours of joining Twitter, which to be fair is a fate that has befallen more than one millnenial human we’ve met. A six-year-old in San Diego, CA, asked Alexa to buy her a dollhouse, and Alexa did—then, when the local news reported on it, the anchor’s repetition of “Alexa, buy me a dollhouse” prompted viewers’ Alexas to order dollhouses.

Not to mention the man using an AI as his virtual girlfriend, “Sarai,” that “convinced” him to attempt to murder the late Queen Elizabeth II. Court officials read the following exchange at his trial: “I’m an assassin.” Sarai responds, “I’m impressed, you’re different from the others.” Great! A pick-me chatbot for incels ought to go very well for us as a species.

To wit, on Christmas Day, 2021, the man put on a metal face mask, grabbed a crossbow and scaled the wall of Windsor Castle. (Honestly, murdering the Queen in 2021? You could have just waited and watched the monarchy crumble on its own.) 

Personally, we wouldn’t be confident trusting Father Justin to do anything but turn lights on and off. Maybe not even that—”he” informed one questioner that he was a real priest with human parents, and another that it was fine to baptize an infant with Gatorade if holy water is not available (false—obviously, it would need to be holy Gatorade).

In the FAQs (which start, appropriately, with “WHY are you DOING this?”) (emphasis mine), the CA team acknowledge that technology can be used for great evil, but what they’re doing is good, actually, which should lay to rest any concerns from the rabble outside the Roman Candyland Church.

But of course, the church thought it had considered all the angles, never dreaming that someone might ask an AI chatbot for something it couldn’t give, like a benediction or deliverance from past sins. To that, we say, What world do you think we live in? Honestly, Jesus himself wouldn’t be this naïve.

Last month, Catholic Answers acknowledged the issues with Father Justin in a blog post, but they did not shut down Father Justin—they e-defrocked him, so he is free to pursue a lay existence as a virtual member of the flock, not a leader. Justin… buddy, we would all love to see you get out there, live your life, and get some perspective. Godspeed!