Ig Nobel Prize Awards Include a Study That Proves Liquid Courage Exists

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

If you’ve ever woken up in Barcelona with a hangover and a newfound confidence in your ability to argue about soccer in Spanish, good news: science says you’re not just delusional, you’re a groundbreaking linguistic savant. Researchers from the University of Bath (not an actual bath) have confirmed that alcohol actually improves your foreign language pronunciation.

In a controlled study, 50 native German speakers who were learning Dutch were given either a drink or the more cruel alternative known as “a soft drink.” The Germans who got sauced pronounced their Dutch with noticeably better fluency, while the sober ones presumably just stared at the floor and muttered “doei” like they were apologizing to their ex.

The study, proving once and for all that the phrase “Dutch courage” is more than just what happens when you wear clogs to a job interview, was awarded the Ig Nobel ‘Peace’ Prize. 

Dr. Inge Kersbergen, who led the study, said, “The Ig Nobel Prize reminds us that science can be both serious and fun.” She was last seen trying to order bitterballen in fluent Mandarin after two shots of absinthe and a Werther’s Original.

Other Ig Nobel winners this year included a conga line of weirdos from the ‘Science Did WHAT Now?’ file:

• A 35-year fingernail growth diary from a doctor who accidentally discovered what boredom looks like under a microscope. His thumbnail growth started at 0.123mm/day and slowed to 0.095mm/day, which is also the exact rate at which most people lose interest in stories about fingernails. The doctor’s obituary presumably noted, “He died doing what he loved: staring at his hand.”
• The Psychology Prize went to researchers who studied what happens when you tell narcissists they’re smart. Spoiler: they become unbearable. One day, this will be cited as Exhibit A in the case of “why Twitter exists.”
• Scientists in Togo confirmed that lizards prefer four-cheese pizza, sparking a brief cross-promotion marketing campaign between Domino’s and National Geographic. Somewhere in Italy, a gecko is explaining why pineapple on pizza is a crime against nature.
• A pair of brave researchers discovered that garlic makes breastmilk smell like a post-pasta nap, and that babies like it more. Babies: the original food critics.
• Japanese scientists painted cows with zebra stripes and discovered that it kept flies away. Farmers were thrilled, cows were confused, and zebras filed a lawsuit for cultural appropriation.

• A dietary study found that adding Teflon powder to food helps you feel full. Unclear if this works for emotional hunger or just makes you poop out full sets of non-stick cookware.
• Engineers tackled the world’s biggest crisis: shoe racks that smell like a corpse convention. Their solution? UV light. Because nothing says “fresh kicks” like gamma rays on your Skechers.
• Italians who took the time to map the physics of pasta sauce, because apparently, there’s still a gap in the scientific literature between “boil water” and “why did the cheese glue itself to the pot?”
• And lastly, scientists who fed alcohol to Egyptian fruit bats and discovered that bats, too, fly like your cousin Gary drives after karaoke and three margaritas. Less echolocation, more echonope.

The ceremony ended with the traditional throwing of paper airplanes, proving that science isn’t just about discovery, it’s also about trying to peg the keynote speaker in the ear from twenty feet away.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.