…Chickens relieved; roosters less enthused.
Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.
TOKYO, Japan — From the country that gave us karaoke toilets and vending-machine ramen comes laser-guided poultry defense. The next logical step is obviously samurai rats.
Chickens can play laser tag, too! (GoranJakus/depositphotos)
Following a devastating bird flu outbreak that wiped out millions of hens, the Chiba Prefecture convened an emergency panel that spent six months concluding, “Have we tried lasers?” The prefecture has approved a pilot program using autonomous laser drones to protect poultry from wild birds and feral boars. The system, developed by NTT e-Drone Technology Co. Ltd, uses a series of quadcopters that project red and green laser grids to scare away intruders.
When the drones detect movement, they automatically engage their “shoo protocol,” projecting a web of swirling lasers meant to spook wildlife. “It’s beautiful,” said one Chiba farmer. “Like Studio Ghibli meets pest control. Except instead of a soot sprite, it’s a pig on fire.”
The drones have successfully deterred crows, stags, and even wild boars. Several local residents have reported waking up to “disco barnyard raves” around 3 a.m. “They’re supposed to keep animals away,” one resident complained, “but now my neighbor’s karaoke chickens think it’s concert night every night.”
According to NTT, the drones use AI to distinguish between friend and foe, a vital feature since earlier tests accidentally targeted a group of farmers wearing goose-down jackets. “No one was injured,” an NTT engineer confirmed, “but we did discover the drones have strong opinions about outerwear.”
“Sometimes I forget the drones are up there,” said one farmer. “Then they start humming the theme to Evangelion in unison.”
Humanity, it was a good run.
This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.
