Liquid Crystal Time Loops Discovered

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

In a bold step toward science fiction becoming “science, but with a hangover,” physicists at the University of Colorado Boulder have created the first visible time crystal.  A time crystal is essentially a physical structure that flips off the laws of thermodynamics by constantly moving forever without using energy, like a Roomba possessed by the ghost of Isaac Newton’s cat.

Dubbed a “time crystal” because “eternally swirling LSD-striped clockwork kaleidoscope of chaos” is too big for a decent headline, the substance was forged from the same materials found in your phone’s screen. Meaning it’s remotely possible the next time you drop your iPhone, you could invent cold fusion.

What the fark is a time crystal? If you imagine a clock that ticks forever but never runs out of batteries, congratulations: you’ve just described a graduate student. But also, a time crystal.

Unlike regular crystals like diamonds or that healing rock Karen swears cured her plantar fasciitis, time crystals don’t just stay still. They wiggle eternally like a jellyfish at a rave, and somehow they do this without burning any energy.

Physicists Hanqing Zhao and Ivan Smalyukh, who sounds like he moonlights as a Bond villain, sandwiched liquid crystals between layers of dye-coated glass, then hit it with light. Instead of catching fire like most things you shine a laser at, it formed swirling patterns that looked like what would happen if Tiger King designed wallpaper.

“These patterns are eternal,” Zhao explained. “Unless, of course, someone bumps the microscope or lets a cat into the lab.”

Time crystals were first theorized by Nobel Laureate Frank Wilczek, who, after inhaling what he insisted was just chalk dust for too many years, asked the question: “What if matter moved in a never-ending loop?” and not just emotionally like the rest of us.

Naturally, this research is part of something called the International Institute for Sustainability with Knotted Chiral Meta Matter, which either studies exotic physics or is a Scandinavian metal band. Jury’s out.

This is a crystal that defies entropy, moves forever, and reacts to light. It’s visible, scalable, and totally unnecessary in practical life. So yes, they’ve created the world’s first hipster clock.

Dr. Who fans are especially excited, since “time crystals” sound exactly like the sort of thing the Doctor would pull out of his coat pocket after the BBC ran out of budget for rubber monsters. “Oh no, the Daleks are invading Cardiff again? Not to worry, I’ve got a glowy thing in a Petri dish!”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.