Scientists Want You to NOT Do the Following if You Encounter Alien Life

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Scientists this week released a formal set of recommendations outlining how humanity should respond if extraterrestrials make contact with Earth, a document that experts describe as prudent, measured, and unlikely to survive its first encounter with a guy named Randy.

The guidelines, drafted by the International Academy of Astronautics, advise researchers to carefully verify any signs of alien intelligence before informing the public. Officials say this is necessary to prevent confusion, panic, and another six-month news cycle centered around grainy footage of a weather balloon wearing sunglasses.

Among the recommendations is a directive that no response be sent to any extraterrestrial message until broad international consultations have taken place. The policy reflects concerns that a hasty reply could misrepresent humanity’s interests, particularly if Earth is represented by whichever social media platform discovers the aliens first. Or, god forbid, in the event Florida Man is involved in first contact.  

The report’s authors declined to specify what humanity should eventually say, noting that future procedures will be developed in a separate agreement. Preliminary drafts reportedly rejected opening messages that began with “u up?”, “new civilization who dis?”, or “we’ve been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty.”

Scientists also outlined several additional precautions for anyone encountering extraterrestrial life, including the following:

• Do not immediately challenge alien leaders to a barbecue competition
• Do not under any circumstances offer to have the alien visitors appear on your podcast 
• Do not attempt to explain baseball before establishing diplomatic relations
• Do not ask whether they know where Atlantis is
• Do not upload first-contact footage with the caption “wild lol”
• Do not brandish a firearm at the aliens while yelling, “It’s coming right for us!” because they might know what that means and respond accordingly.  

The firearm recommendation was added after a simulation exercise revealed that 84 percent of participants responded to an unknown extraterrestrial visitor exactly the way Florida Man responds to hurricanes: by trying to shoot them.

Officials also warned against assigning human political identities to alien species before sufficient evidence is gathered. A pilot program ended early when one faction of researchers declared the visitors socialists, another declared them libertarians, and a third became convinced the aliens were secretly running a suburban homeowners association.

The report further recommends preserving all evidence, communicating honestly with the public, and maintaining the highest ethical standards throughout the process. This includes resisting the urge to edit alien photographs, create speculative dating apps, or launch a premium subscription service promising exclusive access to “behind-the-scenes galaxy content.”

Scientists stress that no verified extraterrestrial contact has occurred, and they’re not expecting any, but just in case, be ready.