Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

BOULDER, Colo. – The University of Colorado’s buffalo mascot retired just ahead of the new college football season, because she admirably didn’t feel like doing the mascot’s traditional run across the field before each game. Ralphie VI is the stage name of Ember, who will now be given a home where the buffalo roam – specifically, a ranch in an undisclosed location.

Ember is a five-year-old female bison who made her mascot debut in 2021 when she was 15 months old, which sounds young but apparently is okay in bison years. All six of Colorado’s bison mascots, going back to 1967, have been female, and Ember will join Ralphie V, AKA Blackout, at her retirement community. Officials noted Ember’s “indifference to running” as the reason for her exit, earning a special slow clap from millions of empathizers.

The magnificent animal has had its fill of college football. (cubuffs and cubuffsralphie/Instagram)

“We have been studying for years,” said a cool scientist, “why it is fun to watch a bison run on a large green expanse with yardage markers on it, because logically it shouldn’t be fun to watch, and yet it is. Of course, the same thing could be said about sports in general, I suppose.”

Colorado’s buffalo is considered one of the most exciting mascots to run across a field, right up there with the banana slug of UC Santa Cruz and Maryland’s terrapin, both of which are also thrilling to watch but admittedly take a little longer.

A bovine can only spend so much time around people fully clad in denim. (cubuffs and cubuffsralphie/Instagram)

Ember’s final run was at last year’s Alamo Bowl, where she only reached a mild trot during her run. “I’m sad that Ralphie VI is retiring,” said a tearful fan. “But I really respect her attitude toward running. I have the same dislike of it, especially in front of thousands of rabid, screaming people. And her tenure is the shortest of all the Ralphies? Much respect. Knowing that a ranch awaited me, I would do the same.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.