Man Outed as Pittsburgh Pirates Fan

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

What kind of team are you when you won’t even let your fans protest how awful your organization is by wearing bags over their heads? That’s the question many in Pittsburgh are asking after a fan attending a game was forced to remove a paper bag and be exposed as something truly shameful – a Pittsburgh Pirates fan. Tom Lohr, a season ticket holder, isn’t happy with the organization. Now, he’s even less so after making it three joyous innings with the bag over his head before being given an ultimatum to unmask or be thrown out. 

Baseball season is in full swing, and the Pirates are sitting near the bottom of their division. That in and of itself isn’t that bad, given that there are about 934 games left in the season. However, the Pirates organization isn’t doing their fans any favors in the “goodwill” department. First, they took down a logo in right field commemorating their most popular player ever, Roberto Clemente, and replaced it with a liquor ad. That ad might have worked in that it drove fans to drink, but the Clemente logo reminded fans that, at one time, the team was good. It led to enough of an outcry that after initially doubling down, the organization backtracked and is reinstating the logo. 

That’s not even the only controversy for them this week. The other involves bricks, specifically “Bucco Bricks.” They were commemorative bricks sold to Pirates fans in 1999 that messages could be written on as part of a sidewalk outside the park. We say “were” because they were unceremoniously uprooted during a renovation of the stadium earlier this year, and some were found at a recycling center.

This brings us back to Lohr, who was silently protesting all of the above without a care in the world and with a paper bag on his head. He explained it to KDKA TV Pittsburgh as a “nice, peaceful, silent protest.” When given the ultimatum to take the bag off or leave, he took it off but asked why. When told that there was a no-mask policy, instead of asking why the catchers had masks on, he consulted the internet, where the park rules didn’t say anything about the supposed rule. He was then told it was an “unwritten rule.” 

“I’m thinking… he just doesn’t want me to have a bag on my head because it tells the world that Pirates fans are embarrassed of the product that’s on the field,” Lohr told KDKA. A Pirates spokesperson, who probably wanted to have a bag over his own head, explained that that wasn’t the case and that the rule’s been in place for years. The only win of that whole day was the Pirates team, who pulled out a 2-1 victory in extra innings. Perhaps if everyone attending future games decides to BYOB (that’d be “bring your own bag”) and put them on at the same time, staffers will be overwhelmed, and Lohr’s message will be heard.

This article is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.