Pope Tells Cubs Fans “Han Perdido!” Which Translates to “You Should’ve Drafted Pitching”

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

VATICAN CITY — During his weekly appearance in St. Peter’s Square, His Holiness paused his usual blessings of babies, rosaries, and the occasional confused Midwesterner when a voice from the crowd shouted, “Go Cubs!”

Witnesses say the Pope froze, adjusted his mitre like a man cracking his knuckles, and fired back in fluent Spanish: “Han perdido!” Historians say it’s the first recorded instance of papal trash talk in the 21st century — and the first since Urban II declared war on France.

The 70-year-old pontiff, born Robert Francis Prevost of Dolton, Illinois, is both the first American pope and the first to attempt to canonize Old Style beer. His brother told WGN in May that the future Pope “was never, ever a Cubs fan,” a statement now under review as a potential confirmed miracle. Two more miracles would elevate the Pope’s brother to sainthood — unless the things he posts on Facebook somehow cancel one out. Which they might.

The Vatican declined to issue an official statement but did release a photo of Leo beside a commemorative White Sox jersey emblazoned “Pope Leo – 14,” symbolizing both his papal name and the number of consecutive seasons Sox fans have spent praying for a bullpen. The Vatican PR office described the moment as “unifying,” though the photo clearly shows the Pope flipping a subtle bird toward Wrigley Field.

The Cubs, for their part, reached the playoffs this year only to be eliminated by Milwaukee, a development Pope Leo reportedly described as “divine justice served cold and foamy.”

Sources close to the Vatican say the papal apartment includes a shrine to the 2005 World Series team, a framed Paul Konerko photo, and a small sign over the door reading “No Cubs Fans Beyond This Point – Eternal Rule.”

White Sox manager Will Venable called the Pope’s loyalty “awesome and inspiring,” adding that he hopes to invite Leo to spring training next year “to maybe bless the bats or exorcise the bullpen.” If the Pope actually does this, analysts say the upcoming Sox 2026 losing season will be extra hilarious and could shake Catholic faith to its core. The Pope’s endorsement will reportedly appear in next season’s media guide under “Key Losses.”

Team chaplain Father Tony remarked that the moment shows “how baseball unites people,” before admitting that the last time he heard scripture shouted in Spanish, it involved Fernando Tatis Jr. and was potentially blasphemous depending on what activities God considers acceptable among family members.

The Cubs organization declined comment, though one insider admitted off the record, “If he starts praying for rainouts again, we’re screwed.”

The Pope’s devotion remains unwavering — one to God, the other to a baseball team God clearly abandoned. Faith endures. Hope returns. But every summer, the Sox middle relief remains a test of both.

In a possibly related development, the Vatican announced plans to release updated doctrine clarifying that God forgives all sins except blown saves.

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.