Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Seventy years ago, a group of British men decided to solve the greatest mystery of humanity: which bird is the easiest to shoot while drunk. Undeterred by the fact that the answer was the domestic chicken, these heroic drunken men established The Guinness Book of World Records.

I think he's going for "Most Mustache Hairs You Can Suck Into Your Mouth While Staring at an Ice Cream Tower" (Guinness World Records)

To mark the 70th anniversary of proving that literally no one is stopping you from becoming the weirdest person alive, Guinness World Records has released a list of 70 records that no one has yet attempted. Because apparently even Florida Man has limits.

The list reads like dares from a middle school sleepover: fastest sack race over 400 meters, farthest bottle flip, and “arranging Scrabble tiles in alphabetical order.” Somewhere out there, a middle-aged lonely man is already practicing in his basement, and his mom has never been prouder.

Guinness is hoping average folks, sports mutants, and TikTok influencers with too much free time will give these records a shot. To help the tragically unambitious, they’ve even launched a “Record Selector” quiz, which will presumably match you with the one record that best fits your personality, such as “most minutes spent refreshing Spotify looking for Taylor Swift Easter eggs.”

“We want everyone to take part,” said Guinness Editor-in-Chief Craig Glenday, while standing near a man trying to set the record for ‘most jellybeans up the nose while reciting Proust.’ “Whether you’re an aspiring athlete, a trivia nerd, or just someone who failed out of mime school, there’s a record here for you.”

This initiative coincides with Guinness’s deep legacy of cataloging human absurdity. Over the decades, they’ve honored such accomplishments as the longest fingernails (and an unsettling commitment to not typing), most toilet seats broken by a human head in one minute, and fastest time to eat a bowl of pasta using only your feet.

You asked for it… Total length of 32ft 3.8in, in case you want to beat it. And lose your friends and family. (Guinness World Records)

Guinness highlighted bizarre but real records, including:

  • Fastest marathon while dressed as a vegetable. Yes, someone trained for months to become the world’s sexiest carrot, and it wasn’t even Halloween.
  • Most people dressed as Smurfs without triggering an allergic reaction to body paint
  • Most rotations hanging from a power drill in one minute. Which is also how cousin Timmy got to meet his insurance adjuster

But this year, Guinness is basically daring the public to top that. They even left the fastest time to arrange alphabet soup into the Magna Carta and the longest uninterrupted yawn off the list. Both were apparently already claimed by C-SPAN viewers.

Not sure that was in the Magna Carta, but to be honest, I haven't read it… So, good start! (Professor25/depositphotos)

The sack race record remains especially untouched, mostly due to a tragic incident involving one man, a potato sack, and his belief that gravity was “just a suggestion.”

We asked the fine folks at Fark.com to come up with some better Guinness World Records. They came up with a few:

  • Longest consecutive time not giving a sh-t about world records. “I’ve been working on that one since about age 8.”
  • Smallest F*** Given. Note: This does not include the value “No” or “None” 
  • Most Gummy Bears eaten before the horrible inevitable happens. 
  • Most testicles trapped in a single slatted piece of garden furniture
  • Four touchdowns in one game. 
  • Longest fart while watching Star Trek: The Motion Picture.
  • Most number of letters in the alphabet spoken during a beer burp. “I got to N”
  • Youngest Stick in the Mud
  • Most cat butts lipsticked in one hour. Good luck getting past “one” before bleeding out.
  • Largest collection of ragrets (sic)

So, do you have what it takes to build a five-story playing card pyramid while balancing on a yoga ball and explaining cryptocurrency to your grandma? No? Then congratulations, you are already a Guinness World Record holder in “most realistic self-assessment.”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.