Ink About It: New Record for Signatures on a Baseball

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

Perhaps it’s a signing of the times: thousands of minor league baseball fans across the country recently put their John Hancock on a supersized baseball, setting a new record for doing such a thing. The ball has a diameter of eight feet, making it slightly larger than a typical minor league ball.

Over 6,700 people ended up inking the orb, breaking the previous record for human signatures on a piece of sports memorabilia by over 4,500. Thus far, there have been no accusations of juicing or performance enhancers of any kind being used. The new milestone was officially confirmed by Guinness World Records, which apparently doesn’t get tired of measuring these random kinds of things.

The audacious autograph occasion occurred across 15 minor league parks over the course of a month this summer. It was a choice opportunity for people of all stripes to sign a baseball for the first time, including children, regular adult citizens, and failed athletes who may never be asked for their individual inscription on a piece of leather.

There is little expectation that this item will be worth any money. “I thought that a record-breaking ball like this would be worth a lot of dough,” said a minor league baseball fan. “But apparently, it turns out that an autographed item should not only be in good condition, but also be from a person that people admire and who has done something of note. Go figure. I guess you learn something every day.”

One fan was asked if they wished the ball had some standout signatures, like Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio. “Who are they?” said the fan. “Maybe they’re veteran minor league players still hoping to make the majors one day? That would be cute, yeah, it would be cool if their signatures were included.”

A professional memorabilia dealer was quite upset about the record-breaking ball. “I don’t understand why non-famous people would sign a baseball,” he said. After the endeavor was more fully explained to him, he replied, “Fun? What do you mean they did it for fun? But what about making money from it? What’s more fun than making money? So families were just viewing the thing and signing it and then having an enjoyable time watching a baseball game, with no monetary gain being considered? I don’t get it. I mean, what kind of a sick society are we turning into?”

This story is based on fully factual news, but if we got it wrong, blame these guys, we’re just here to make it funny.