Man Breaks Cocktail Sticks To Shatter Silly World Record

Disclaimer: This article is based on actual news from the real world – honestly! However, it has been sprinkled with a healthy dose of satire.

How many cocktail sticks must be massacred for a mere mortal man to claim a world record for most broken in a minute? Apparently, 84, if anyone actually wanted an answer to that question. Although the previous record was only a laughable 58, so the extra 26 broken sticks were just for the man’s idea of sick, wood-destroying fun.

Last year, an Idaho man, who has become a (very) minor internet celebrity for being a serial record breaker, was on a 15-day Disney cruise with his family in the Pacific Ocean. They were headed to American Samoa to visit a national park, and he said there was so much free time that he figured he should break another record. In fairness to him, there’s only so much quality time with family, or reading a book, or staring out across the sea to contemplate life’s mysteries, that a person can do before turning to trivial hobbies.

The man said that with the American Samoa trip, his family has now visited all 63 U.S. national parks. It was unclear whether that was also a new record, but he certainly seemed to be bragging about it.

“There’s nothing really so special about seeing all the national parks,” said a guy at an internet cafe. “I’ve visited all 63 Taco Bell locations in northern New Jersey, and I think that’s much more impressive.”

“I’m confused,” said a woman at a Starbucks in Seattle. “Was it the record for most cocktail sticks broken while on a Disney cruise? Because that would be an astonishing feat to me, as a Disney adult who’s interested in all things Disney.” She added, “But if it’s just the world record for breaking cocktail sticks, and he happened to be on a Disney cruise at the time, well, no thanks, I’m moving on to the next inane internet news item, thank you very much.”